The banana – a Christian’s nightmare

In July, 2006, the Freethinker drew readers’ attention to the fact that Britain’s most popular pre-packed ready-meal, the ’umble banana, had been seized upon by increasingly-desperate evangelical Christians to advance their cock-eyed creationist ideas.

The banana, according to a leaflet still doing the rounds, is “an atheist’s nightmare.”

And here are the reasons why:

1. is perfectly shaped for the human hand.
2. has a non-slip surface.
3. has outward indicators of inward content. Green lets you know that it’s not ready to eat yet. Yellow lets you know that it’s just right to consume. Black lets you know that it’s far too late to put it in your belly.
4. has a tab at the bottom to facilitate removal of its wrapper.
5. has a perforated wrapper for easy peeling.
6. has a bio-degradable wrapper.
7. is perfectly shaped for the human mouth.
8. has a point at its top for ease of entry.
9. is pleasing to the taste buds.
10. is curved towards the face to make the eating process easy.
“To say that the banana happened by accident is even more unintelligent than to say that no one designed the Coca Cola can,” the leaflet adds.

Well. This was all too much for the Godlessbastard, who sat down to counter this laughable nonsense with “the banana – a Christian’s nightmare.”

Here his [shortened] post: “We all know that sex is as pleasurable as it is functional. Our species wants to live on, and procreation (through the act of sex) accomplishes that goal. But as we also all know, sex feels good – and we do it more often for pleasure than for procreation. And while it takes two to tango, it only takes one to feel good sexually. Of course, it’s not nearly as fun going solo, but it certainly does do the trick.

“Modern technology and advances in the manufacture of synthetics and small battery operated vibrating devices have given women in need of “something special” all sorts of wonderful sex toys to do the job when no man is available. Ask any woman over the age of 30 (who isn’t shy or a prude) and you’ll hear a testament to the merits of dildos and vibrators.

“But the technology that has given women these toys of pleasure has not always existed. What did women do before the advent of these modern sexual conveniences? What did Eve, Ruth, Ester, and all their biblical sisters do back then?

“God gave women sex organs through which sexual pleasure may be derived. If we were designed, as Christians argue, then god certainly wanted women to have pleasure because he gave them all the parts that provide it. And as god is all-knowing, he certainly knew long before each one of us were even born, that there would often be times throughout our lives where those strong sexual urges would drive us mad because we had no available partner to take care of business.

“So being the all-knowing, all-powerful, kind, and loving god that our designer and creator is, he gave women the banana. And anyone with only an ounce of common sense and even the most clouded power of perception can see the brilliance of god’s perfect design of this particular fruit.

The banana…

1. is perfectly shaped to fit the human hand.
2. has a point at its top for ease of entry.
3. is curved towards the vagina to make the penetration process easy.
4. has a tab at the bottom to hold and control the motion of the banana when completely inserted.
5. just like the human penis, it is perfectly shaped for the human vagina.
6. if held so that its curve is pointed upward after insertion, it hits the G-Spot perfectly!
7. has a soft wrapper so that the delicate lining of the vagina isn’t scraped.
8. has a non-slip surface so that you won’t lose control of the device while enjoying the ride. (Women, how much do you like it when your man’s penis keeps slipping out?)
9. has outward indicators of inward content. Green bananas are the hardest, which women seem to prefer, and are required to attain the best penetration. Yellow lets you know that it’s getting softer and may not be useful for much longer. Black lets you know that it’s a far too late to be put in your vagina. (How many women want a limp, mushy penis anyway?) Keep in mind that these color codes also indicate if the banana is suitable for eating. Just like a vigorous weight training workout, overuse of the banana for sexual gratification will deplete the body of energy, as well as cause muscle cramps. Ever get a leg (or other body part) cramp during or after sex? You sweat, lose body fluids, and get dehydrated. Ask anyone with knowledge of human physiology and nutrition and you’ll learn quickly that the banana is the perfect recovery food!
10. has a protective covering to prevent vaginal matter (or fecal matter, in the case of god’s homosexual children) from spoiling the fruit inside.
11. has a tab at the bottom to facilitate removal of its wrapper.
12. is perforated on its wrapper for easy peeling.
13. has a bio-degradable wrapper for post-coital disposal.
14. is pleasing to taste buds as well as the vagina.
15. has a high potassium content, which quickly alleviates muscle cramps.
16. has a high caloric and carbohydrate content to refuel the body after sexual exertion.

After the Freethinker exposed the evangelical leaflet, two correspondents joined the fray in the correspondence column.

Nigel Sinnott, from Australia, wrote:

“The botany lesson about bananas in the July Freethinker was both instructive and entertaining; but I think it requires a couple of comments.

“First, if the banana was manufactured by an Intelligent Designer, he, she or it is likely to be hauled before the courts for (1) not giving the Lord’s name and business address on the banana, (2) not printing a contents list of percentage ingredients in decreasing order, (3) not printing the weight and use-by date on each banana, and (4) not printing a prominent health warning about the danger of ingesting banana peel if you are taking certain drugs (eg monoamine oxidase inhibitors).

“Secondly, the fundamentalists claim: ‘To say that the banana happened by accident is even more unintelligent than to say that no one designed the Coca Cola can.’ Sounds authoritative and impressive – but it is simply wrong! Reason: the cultivated banana is sterile, the result of a chance mutation, so it never sets seed, unlike most of its wild relatives. Perhaps Intelligent Design has created sterile bananas to remind us miserable sinners of the minds of most fundamentalists.”

Robin Fennell, of Wolverhampton, added this:

“About 40 years ago we all ate Gros Michel bananas which were genetically modified by selective breeding to be suitable for the human palate. This variety succumbed to a disease which wiped out the crop, and the Cavendish variety we eat today was similarly developed, This is now threatened by a fungus which could destroy the variety.

“In its natural state there are many varieties of the fruit, all of which are either small, bad-tasting, or, worst of all, straight. It is only the intelligence of scientists who design the selective breeding programmes that produces the banana we eat today. So it is neither the beneficence of God, nor accident, but intelligent human design that allows us to eat this excellent fruit.”