News

Catholics go crackers over Christ Crispie kidnapping

TALK about taking the biscuit … in what must be the daftest incident of the year – if not the century – a Florida University student is being crucified by Catholics for kidnapping the Body of Christ.

Not the ACTUAL corpse, long since turned to dust of course, but the symbolic flesh of the Saviour, as embodied in a wafer known as the Eucharist.

The Eucharist is a small bread wafer blessed by a priest. According to Catholics, the wafer becomes the Body of Christ once blessed – and is to be consumed immediately after a minister passes it out to churchgoers … “before the magic wears off,” as Andy Armitage, over at the Pink Triangle Trust points out.

Webster Cook’s crime was not to consume the Christ Crispie, but to make off with it to show a friend “who was curious about the Catholic faith”. Webster is now receiving death threats for committing what some Catholics are calling a “hate crime” – and the friend, no doubt, must now know all he needs to about the Catholic faith: that it is made of exceptionally delusional loonies.

The University of Central Florida student explained what happened in this report:

When I received the Eucharist, my intention was to bring it back to my seat to show him. I took about three steps from the woman distributing the Eucharist and someone grabbed the inside of my elbow and blocked the path in front of me. At that point I put it in my mouth so they’d leave me alone and I went back to my seat and I removed it from my mouth.

Cook was annoyed by attempts to forcibly liberate the kidnapped cracker by a church leader.

She came up behind me, grabbed my wrist with her right hand, and with her left hand grabbed my fingers and was trying to pry them open to get the Eucharist out of my hand.

Her attempts to recover the cracker failed, and Cook took it home.

Then things really began hotting up. Diocese of Orlando spokeswoman Carol Brinati said she was not aware of anyone touching Cook. She released a statement saying:

... a Catholic Campus Ministry student representative filed a complaint with the Student Union regarding the behaviour of the two young men. A Student Government Representative called Catholic Campus Ministry to apologise for this disruption.

The storm in the communion cup escalated into a full-blown tempest when Cook retaliated by filing an official abuse complaint with UCF’s student conduct court regarding the alleged physical force. Following that complaint, Brinati said church members filed their own official complaints of disruptive conduct. Punishment for either offence could result in suspension or expulsion.

Cook remains defiant:

The church feels that I’m the problem here. The problem is actually that this is a publicly-funded religious institution. Through student government here, we fund them through an activity and service, so they’re receiving student money.

Cook is angry that more than $40,000 in student fees have been allocated to support religious organisations on campus for the 2008-2009 school year. But he denied that he is holding the Eucharist hostage in protest of that support.

Regardless of the reason, the Diocese says its main concern is to get the Eucharist back so it can be taken care of properly and with respect.

Does that include a counselling session, normally given to kidnap victims?

The Diocese’s Father Migeul Gonzalez said the Diocese was willing to meet with Cook and help him understand the importance of the Eucharist in hopes of him returning it. He added that intentionally abusing the Eucharist is classified as a mortal sin in the Catholic church, the most severe possible. If it’s not returned, the community of faith will have to ask for forgiveness.

In another report, Susan Fani a spokesperson with the local Catholic diocese, said:

We don’t know 100 percent what Mr Cooks motivation was. However, if anything were to qualify as a hate crime, to us this seems like this might be it.

And Catholic League president Bill Donohue railed:

For a student to disrupt Mass by taking the Body of Christ hostage – regardless of the alleged nature of his grievance – is beyond hate speech. That is why the UCF administration needs to act swiftly and decisively in seeing that justice is done. All options should be on the table, including expulsion.

A “hate crime”? Get a grip, you ridiculous nitwits! We’re talking about a fucking biscuit here – and one not nearly as scrumptious or spiritually fulfilling as an Oreo.

Now if this report did not make you giggle, go across to Pharyngula, where you are guaranteed a damn good belly laugh.

21 responses to “Catholics go crackers over Christ Crispie kidnapping”

  1. Michael Cohen says:

    Oh Dear
    this one needs to go to the “top of the Church nut job charts”

  2. Ben Abbott says:

    “[…] the Diocese says its main concern is to get the Eucharist back so it can be taken care of properly and with respect.”

    That’s right. Preserving the flesh of Christ is blasphemous. Like any good cannibal Christian you’re supposed to eat the flesh and drink the blood … and later deposit the result in your toilet for disposal 😉

  3. Steve says:

    I hope I live long enough to see this backward bunch of bullshit into extinction.

  4. Milliner says:

    Update: He returned the item in a Ziploc bag. http://www.wftv.com/news/16806050/detail.html

  5. Pramod Subbaraman says:

    Eat the body of Christ?

    Bloody Cannibals!!!

    …so these were the types who set out to christianize and dare they say it Civilize?! the world!

    Thank the non-existant Gods for they weren’t successful with my ancestors.

  6. Barry Duke says:

    This will make you laugh: In Quebec shoppers can pick up “an increasingly popular snack: Communion wafers and sheets of communion bread. These paper-thin morsels made from flour and water hark back to Quebec’s churchgoing days and the sacred rite of receiving holy communion.

    “The wafers and bread are packaged like peanuts and popcorn – and sold as a distinctly profane snack.”

    “They melt in your mouth, and they’re not fattening, so it’s better than junk food,” said Françoise Laporte, a white-haired grandmother of 71 who buys packages of Host Pieces at her local IGA in east-end Montreal. “I’m Catholic. This reminds us of mass.”
    See full report here.

  7. There used to be a big problem with people stealing consecrated wafers and performing black magic with them. Perhaps that’s what they were worried about.

  8. Ben Abbott says:

    Heresiarch: There used to be a big problem with people stealing consecrated wafers and performing black magic with them. Perhaps that’s what they were worried about.

    Anyone who worries about black magic is even more ridiculous that those who worry about the desecration of crackers (eyes roll back in head).

  9. *Insert “Communion lunchables” ad from Viz a year or so ago here*

  10. Marcus says:

    Surely a “consecrated” slice of lemon would be more appropriate to pop into the gobs of these sour Catholics. Mind you, I reckon the lemon would pull a face!

  11. Tom says:

    “[S]o it can be taken care of properly and with respect” eh? I wonder what they would say if he finally ate the thing? Would that be disrespectful of him?

    Yes, I know; he’s already returned it to them (presumably covered in spit, since he put it in his mouth originally; which makes me wonder what are they going to do with it? Have a flag-burning ceremony or something?). I’m just sayin’.

  12. […] zany story that broke this week about the hijacking in Florida of a Jesus cracker – or Corpus Crispie – and the fear of Catholics that it might be “abused” by its kidnapper […]

  13. Simpleton says:

    Get a holy cracker, put it in a tied up condom, and return it to a priest.

    Want your cracker back? Get it yourself.

    Keep the condom, at least some choir boy may not get a disease.

  14. Ex Partiot says:

    I would take that cracker and grind it ubder my boot heel in a pile of dog s–t

  15. That the Heisting of the Host and enforced Hostaging in a plastic baggy is being called a Hate Crime astonishes me as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Where was the outcry when the stories began breaking about (a minority of) Catholic priests who RAPED kids and then were routinely reassigned to other parishes? What did we get then? A bunch of Catholic apologetics and from some dioceses an appeal for more money in order to pay off the lawsuits.

    Arrrgh.
    spike

  16. John says:

    It’s a stupid cracker

  17. Skeptic Griggsy says:

    This shows why Dawkins does not have to respond to theology, the series of guesses about the Great Explainer who it turns out explains nothing: so much for God did it! So, Richard Swinburne is flat out wrong in positing Him as a personal explantion. Google ignosticism and skeptic griggsy for more on Him being a pseudo-explanation and why arguments for Him are so fallacious.
    Morgan-LynnGriggs Lamberth

  18. […] will remember that Myers – in the wake of reports that a Eucharist was being held hostage by Florida university student – asked his readers last month to score him a consecrated […]

  19. Adan says:

    that was pretty damn funny. Though the comment at the end wasnt necessary. The whole nitwit..oreo thing. Clever and funny but sounds ignorant. You know they dont think its a cracker. Its more to them…….freaks LOL.

  20. Rob says:

    See now I’m hungry. Maybe I’ll head on down and get me some Christ crackers.

    All of these people are fraking nuts.

    Michael Martin ~ I wish I had thought up that comment first. Just so you know i plan to use that.

  21. […] RSS feed for updates on this topic.Powered by WP Greet Box WordPress PluginNOT since the great “Corpus Crispie” furore of 2008 has so much fuss been generated in the Catholic world over some damned […]