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THE Catholic Church remains deeply mired in primitive superstition

PROOF of the Catholic Church’s tenacious adherence in the 21st century to medieval ways of thinking comes in a report from the Vatican regarding miracle sightings.

Pope Ratzinger, we learn today, is concerned that not all visions of Jesus, the Virgin Mary and other “miraculous” stuff are genuine, and that the Devil might be orchestrating false sightings in a bid to bamboozle the faithful.

Yes, yes, YES Lord! She's definitely the genuine article!

Yes, yes, YES Lord! She's definitely the genuine article!

So he has instructed the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, formerly the Holy Office of the Inquisition, to draw up a new handbook to help bishops snuff out an epidemic of bogus heavenly apparitions – including messages, stigmata (the appearances of the five wounds of Christ), weeping and bleeding statues and Eucharistic miracles.

Monsignor Luis Francisco Ladaria Ferrer, a “respected” Spanish Jesuit archbishop, has been placed in charge of drawing up the handbook, known as a “vademecum”, which will update the current rules set in 1978.

According to Petrus, an Italian online magazine which leans towards conservative elements in the Vatican, anyone who claims to have seen an apparition will only be believed as long as they remain silent and do not court publicity over their claims. If they refuse to obey, this will be taken as a sign that their claims are false.

The visionaries will then be visited by a team of psychiatrists, either atheists or Catholics, to certify their mental health while theologians will assess the content of any heavenly messages to see if they contravene Church teachings.

If the visionary is considered credible they will ultimately be questioned by one or more demonologists and exorcists to exclude the possibility that Satan is hiding behind the apparitions in order to deceive the faithful.

12 Responses to “THE Catholic Church remains deeply mired in primitive superstition”

  1. PaulJ says:

    Maybe the visionary should be questioned by a delegation of Satanists.

    “Nope. Not one of ours. Must be the real deal…”

  2. Stuart H. says:

    Oh well, guess that means Knock airport in Ireland will be shutting soon then.
    Anyone got a use for a supermarketful of Virgin Mary statuettes?

  3. Mike says:

    “Either atheists or catholics”? they trust us but not the Protestants, CofE &c &c?

    Also i found a vision of the holy smiley in my potato in a Lincoln resturant once. Ate it, though.

  4. Ziggy says:

    If the psychiatrists are at all professional, they would simply have the candidtates in question committed to their local friendly mental institution.

  5. valdemar says:

    Can I just add that all this stuff – pushing miracles etc – beats doing actual work for a living? The Catholic Church is a wonderful employment scheme for people who are self-important and basically feckless (as in Father Ted’s ‘Feck off!’). If religion were abolished all these people – strange men in frocks, by and large – would have to make things, or clean things, or sell things. Or something. As it is, they get to live quite comfortably (some of them in palaces, begorrah) off donations that are largely gleaned from the world’s poorest and most ignorant people. It’s a cracking skive, St Gromit!

    Can I also take this opportunity to be a pedantic git and ask what kind of superstition is not primitive? ‘Advanced superstition’ – get your Harvard MBA while stocks last!

  6. MotoWebbi says:

    So, any heavenly messages I receive directly for god (or any of his minions), will be ignored if they contravene the church’s teachings???

  7. Broga says:

    Do the believe this stuff or is it all just a marvellous money making scam. A bit like the Pope who raised oodles of money by selling the right to the very wealthy to be forgiven for all sins – past and future. Martin Luther opined that this meant they could kill, rape, beat the crap out of anyone they chose and have a great time if that was their inclination – no penalty.

    Bit like Brenda, Phil, Charlie, Harry and Co (secular version) they can live in Palaces, escape taxes, break any rules, shoot rare Hen Harriers, divorce wives, drool over mistresses tampaxes, thump photographers, call people paki or Sooty and the rest and there is no penalty. Brenda claims that only religion – her version, I assume – can save the world.

  8. Michael says:

    Sounds like a good idea really. Pity they didn’t have the knowledge of modern psychiatry back at the start – maybe this whole nonsense would never have taken off.

    Now if only tabloid papers would do the same thing with some of the stories they get.

  9. Newspaniard says:

    I must have woken up in a good mood this morning. I laughed out loud at Bob’s preaching on the previous item and now we have this item which had me nearly wetting my knickers. You’re winding us all up, Barry. Admit it, you concocted this gem yourself.

  10. Barry Duke says:

    Alas no, Newspaniard. While I take great delight in holding Holy Mother Church up to ridicule, it has a far greater talent than I possess to make ITSELF look completely ga-ga!

  11. chrsbol says:

    Where’s Bob?

  12. Newspaniard says:

    Chrsbol. If that is a philosophical question, he’s out of his tree.