Jesus was ‘too fat to walk on water’

BRINGING excommunicated Holocaust-denier Bishop Richard Williamson back into the Catholic fold last month did not earn the Pope many brownie-points in Israel.

It was a stupid move – even by Vatican standards – and the well-known Jewish comedian Lior Shlein retaliated by taking the piss out of core Christian beliefs.

The Lard Jesus

The Lard Jesus

Mary, he told a Channel 10 TV audience, was never a virgin and Jesus did not walk on water.

The truth was, said Shlein, was that Mary was put up the duff at 15 by a schoolmate, and that Jesus could never have walked on water because:

He was so fat he was ashamed to leave the house, let alone go to the Sea of Galilee with a bathing suit.

Well, no sooner were the words out of his mouth than a complaint was made by a Vatican representative in Israel to the Government. The Vatican said that, in the clip, Mary and Joseph were:

Ridiculed with blasphemous words and images [that amounted to a]  vulgar and offensive act of intolerance toward the religious sentiments of the believers in Christ.

A statement from the Vatican said the Israeli government had quickly assured the Holy See that it would intervene to interrupt the transmission and get the broadcaster to publicly apologise.

But it wasn’t immediately clear how the government could do so, as Channel 10, one of Israel’s three main television stations, is a private station and is not subject to government censorship, except in matters of security.

Neither the Israeli government nor Channel 10 have commented publicly on the issue.

12 responses to “Jesus was ‘too fat to walk on water’”

  1. Alun says:

    This is like watching a cracking fooball match between teams you don’t support.

    Sit back and enjoy!

    If the vatican was offended by that, I’m sure they’d love this:

  2. valdemar says:

    Why couldn’t Jesus be fat? If he could feed five thousand (trendy vicars please note – JC was the first celebrity chef) he could surely manage to conjure a few pizzas, chips etc for his magical self. And perhaps Fat Jesus is what we need to make the church more relevant, groovy, hep and down with the obese kids in da hood.

  3. chrsbol says:

    That’s not Jesus it’s Johnny Vegas.

  4. valdemar says:

    Sorry, in my earlier post I should have mentioned the true version of Leonardo’s Last Supper – the one revealed by the Pythons. ‘Why did you put three Christs in?’ ‘Well, the fat one balances out the two skinny ones.’ Many a true word…

  5. Barry Duke says:

    @ chrsbol:

    And your point being …?

  6. Wurble says:

    I think its obvious isn’t it Barry? ( I cant believe ive been so blind )

    All hail our Lord, Johnny Vegas!!

  7. chrsbol says:

    Thanks Wurble I didn’t really have a point!

  8. Buffy says:

    Christians complaining yet again about offense to their religious beliefs? Yawn.

    People who want to treat everyone else like sh*t shouldn’t be such bloody babies.

  9. MrGronk says:

    The Vatican accusing a Jew of blasphemy? Seems things never change.

  10. FrodoSaves says:

    So the Vatican has something against fat people? Well fair enough, don’t we all, but they should be a little more sensitive to the sensibilities of others, like they were with the Jews – oh, never mind.

  11. Alex Ward says:

    God who created you and all things, grants you the freedom to mock him (see Matt 27:31). But when He comes again, every knee shall bow and confess Jesus Christ is Lord (Phil 2:10-11). You will confess His judgement is just. You will remember the times he reached out to you in love. I hope and pray you will not be sorry for your choices.

  12. Alex Ward, you said “God who created you and all things, grants you the freedom to mock him (see Matt 27:31)” Just curious… what bible were you using? You had me all excited so I went and looked it up, both in my own tangible bible and then in an online one (

    Both of which say “After they had mocked him, they took off the robe and put his own clothes on him. Then they led him away to crucify him.” for Matt 27:31, which I found very disappointing. Care to shed some light on that for me?