Wedding barminess – Muslim and Jewish-style

WE didn’t get round to blogging an item that got a lot of coverage this week – the walk-out from an East End  Muslim wedding by Jim Fitzpatrick, Food, Farming and Environment Minister, who left a ceremony at London Muslim Centre, Whitechapel because he and his objected to being segregated at the event. Their decision to leave caused quite a kerfuffle.

You can read the Minister’s defence of his action here.

Anyway, reports about the Fitzpatricks coincided with a joke I received via e-mail from Suhail Ahmad about Jewish wedding barminess – and this being a quiet Sunday evening, I thought it would be fun to share it with you.

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counselling.rabbi

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks:

Rabbi, we realise it’s tradition for men to dance with men,and women to dance with women at the reception.  But, we’d like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world.

Says the rabbi:

Absolutely not. It’s immodest. Men and women always dance separately.

So, after the ceremony I can’t even dance with my own wife?

“No,” answered the rabbi. “It’s forbidden.”

“Well, okay,” says the man,”What about sex? Can we finally have sex?”

“Of course!” replies the rabbi. “Sex is a mitzvah – a good thing within marriage – to have children!”

“What about different positions?” asks the man

“No problem,” says the rabbi “It’s a mitzvah!”

“Woman on top?” the man asks.

“Sure,” says the rabbi. “Go for it! It’s a mitzvah!”

“Doggy style?”

“Sure! Another mitzvah!”

“On the kitchen table?”

“Yes, yes! A mitzvah!”

“Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?”

“You may indeed. It’s all a mitzvah!”

“Can we do it standing up?”

“No!”thunders the rabbi.

“Why not?” asks the man.

“Could lead to dancing!”

21 responses to “Wedding barminess – Muslim and Jewish-style”

  1. barriejohn says:

    Hilarious! But what do you mean about "a quiet Sunday evening", Barry? Didn't you you watch His Holiness Rowan Williams on Channel Four as I advised? According to him, any morality that we atheists have comes from God, but we just don't realize it!! What barmy idea is this nincompoop going to come up with next?

  2. shargraves says:

    i watched it too – I posted on facebook:

    the fact that they had to blatantly ignore and sidestep and deny THOUSANDS OF YEARS WORTH of atrocities and prejudice and hatred left, right and centre thoughout their interviews, while bigging up their own petty-vile-jealous-evil-small minded god – and thinking that they were doing good for man kind was absolutely horrific and jaw dropping.

    I never thought I'd quote Mary Whitehouse, but for humanity to survive we must "BAN THIS SICK FILTH" :o)

    acyually – that may be the name of my next band if no one has used it already..

  3. barry_duke says:

    Barrie, I did receive your alert, but I got hope late after a hard day at the coalface (I work everyone's sabbath) and I just could not be asked to watch Dumbledore blathering on.

    This sounds a bit more promising:

  4. barry_duke says:

    Barrie, I did receive your alert, but I got home late after a hard day at the coalface (I work everyone's sabbath) and I just could not be asked to watch Dumbledore blathering on.

    This sounds a bit more promising:

    Barrie, I did receive your alert, but I got home late after a hard day at the coalface (I work everyone's sabbaths) and I just could not be asked to watch Dumbledore blathering on.

    This sounds a bit more promising:

  5. Urmensch says:

    If you're talking about Revelations, I tried to watch that. Just because the title was 'How do you know God exists'
    As I suspected it was all twaddle about feeling and faith.
    I got bored and switched off.

  6. Broga says:

    I avoided this programme. Heavy day and all that. Didn't even want to have it recorded. I suppose Rowan Williams regards an atheist really being christian as some kind of praise? No way. That is an insult. I have had this before, of course. An atheist who helps is not allowed to be an atheist. "You will eventually realise you are a christian." A priest or nun abusing kids is, conversly, "Not a true christian."

    Disingenuous and tendentious, although shallow and obvious piece, in New Scientist this week where a Professor at some place in Scotland says Miracles may indeed happen. He accuses Hume of being illogical and, essential this for his ilk, attacks Dawkins. All he does is shuffle words around in the hope that in the confusion someone will think he has said something of substance. He hasn't.

  7. Broga says:

    Urmensch. You confirmed my intuition and I didn't watch. No one does vaporous, vaccuous, sonorous "Look at me, I am a really, really holy person" bullshit better than Rowan Williams.

  8. barriejohn says:

    My "Very Patronising Remark" meter went right off the scale – as did my blood pressure, I should think! His comment was also accompanied by an ingratiating, supercilious, "I-know-better-than-you" smile. Unfortunately they are untouchable (and don't they just know it!), since there is no logic nor academic rigour to anything that they say.

    Regarding your second paragraph: if something happens then it is not a miracle!!

  9. barriejohn says:

    He did get one thing right – he said that his vision of Hell was to have to spend all of Eternity in his own company! Amen to that!!

  10. remigius says:


    So Dirty Barry's Smut Emporium is open on Sunday/Shabbat/Moon-worshipping-rug-butting-Friday.


    The gods ain't gonna like that.

  11. barriejohn says:

    Actually, it's "Barry Duke – Purveyor of Recreational Aids and Miscellanea to the Discerning".

  12. remigius says:

    The packaging on my newly acquired ball-gag and 'Harriet Harman' cat-o-nine-tails would suggest otherwise!

  13. barriejohn says:

    I understand that there was also an inflatable Hazel Blears doll, with acompanying motor-cycle suit, that proved VERY popular!

  14. Broga says:

    This, barriejohn, is one of the Archbish's ultramodesty ploys. What he is really saying is I am not so fantastic as you might think but very bloody close. When he was Archbish in Wales he seemed a decent sort bearing in mind anyone who accepts the robes, palace, free chauffeuring and all the rest is already demonstrably a hypocriteaccording to his own faith. He did defend gays, seemed fairly accepting of different views, but when he got a sniff of the "Big Time" as he saw it, then the change soon followed. When he was first Archbish he had human shit sent to him; his family was threatened; he was abused by fundy christians for going against the word of god. I think his nerve may have gone. Or his moral courage. Inexcusable. Peter Tatchell is my exemplar of physical and moral and physical courage in the face of outraged fundies. Time and again Peter Tatchell has stood against the tyrants when clergy, politicians, Charles Windsor and a miscellany of freeloading royals have all been found wanting. Tatchell's treatment when he stood for election years ago was beyond contempt.

  15. remigius says:

    Yeah, I got one of those too, but no matter how many little blue pills I took I just couldn't do to her what she and her chums have done to this country.

    For sale. Inflatable ginger midget. Used once. Totally useless. Apply to G. Brown, Downing Street London.

  16. barriejohn says:

    There's a typo there, remigius. I feel sure your finger slipped when you were entering (so to speak!): "Apply to totally useless G.Brown, Downing Street, London."!!

  17. barriejohn says:

    I agree Broga. If anyone is a saint it is Peter Tatchell.

  18. barriejohn says:

    Throughout every single interview, as they each searched laboriously for some sort of rationale for their bizarre belief system, a little voice in the back of my mind was saying: "He's making it up as he goes along!"

  19. barriejohn says:

    I have just noticed on their extensive and informative website the Peter Mandelson Doll! This one inflates itself, and is very tight-arsed, evidently!!

  20. Broga says:

    Barriejohn: I get your drift. Wouldn't give much for his chances with Ratty. Fun to try, though. You do need a miracle, though.