A CELIBACY-advocating rap group is promoting “Christian side-hugs” in a Youtube video – because frontal hugs are deemed “sinful”
Gimme Dat Christian Side Hug, by a band of pretty crap rappers apparently linked to a Californian ministry called The Father’s House, encourage standing side-by-side when hugging to avoid the uncontrollable urges that hugging face-to-face – and therefore crotch-to-crotch – would unleash.
“This ain’t no front hug zone,” proclaims one of the rappers, who goes on to warn that front hugs should only be permitted after marriage, stupidly adding:
Jesus never hugged nobody like that.
Unfortunately for Bible scholars, says the Telegraph, the performer fails to give scriptural chapter and verse to back up his claim.
Similarly, holding hands goes too far if it is outside the blessed union of wedded bliss:
I’m a married man. You know I can’t hold hands.
They insist:
We wanna keep our minds pure.
There is some debate over whether the video is satirical: Jonathan Acuff’s parody site – Stuff Christians Like – declares:
Yes, God wants us to be compassionate and kind and tender with each other. Not only that, but he wants us to love our enemies and serve our neighbors. As long as there is no body on body action. I’m talking of course about a “full frontal hug,” one of those sinful abominations where you just wrap your arms around a friend and embrace them. That’s why Christians the world over have pioneered the “side hug.” In the side hug there’s no risk of two crotches touching. Instead of face to face, you go side to side, putting your arm around the person and your hip against theirs. Still having a hard time mastering it? Pretend you’re taking a photo and you’re both looking at the camera together. The side hug, or A frame as it is also called, is safe for the whole family, friendly and above all holy. I don’t know the exact scripture reference but try the book of Psalms.
Commenters on various blogs insist that the rappers are indulging in an elaborate joke.
But The Father’s House and their Encounter Generation Conference do seem to be entirely real.
So far almost 300,000 people have watched the rap online.
HAT TIP: David Griffiths.
The Freethinker was founded in 1881 by GW Foote, an outspoken critic of religion. After the publication of 
November 27th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
Front-hugged if I can figure out whether this is serious or not.
November 27th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
With the fundaloons nothing would surprise me.
November 27th, 2009 at 11:32 pm
Zealous Muslims and Christians are usually so repressed and so unable to accept basic urges for merely what they are, nothing surprises me. It’d be amusing if it weren’t so destructive. “Kill the infidels!”
November 28th, 2009 at 12:04 am
I say, let’s put men in the northern hemisphere and women in the southern hemisphere. (I’m already in the north and I’m lazy.)
‘Course, that might turn us all into homos. Gads! There’s no winning, is there?
November 28th, 2009 at 1:33 am
mikespeir.‘Course, that might turn us all into homos.
Er no. Half of us will be lezzers.
I’ve only ever once gotten a bone during a frontal hug.
Sorry Nan!
November 28th, 2009 at 1:58 am
Down with fughunters! No, frunthuggers. whatever. Frug ‘em.
November 28th, 2009 at 3:33 am
JC IN DA HOUSE YO
the type of christians that annoy me more than anything are the ones who try and act cool and “down wif da kidz innit”.
At least the orthodox types despite being batshit crazy don’t try and remarket themselves to try and lure in kids (mostly anyway)
Christian rap and christrian rock (there’s even such an abomination as christian heavy metal) are trully awful and only goes to prove that the devil gets all the good tunes
November 28th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Don’t try this at work – you’ll be in trouble for groping.
November 28th, 2009 at 11:45 am
remigius:
Well, I was using “homos” generically, of course.
But to continue on with my proposition, it occurs to me that if we divide male and female into different hemispheres the human race might die out. Either that, or (likelier) the bulk of the human population will shift to the Equator area.
November 28th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
You know a cultural meme (like rap music) is getting stale when the Christians start using it.
That side-hug stuff would never catch on here in Hawaii. A front hug with a friendly kiss on the cheek is the traditional greeting here, and there’s plenty of religious Hawaiians who have never had a problem with it as far as I know.
November 28th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
Bill Hicks: Let’s just say that we know for certain that rock and roll is the devil’s music, we know that for absolute certain… at least he fuckin’ jams!
Okay, I am paraprhasing, but you get the jist.
Most so called Christian rappers (Kanye West) still manage a life of bling and hoes (I’m a white Essex goth, I’m trying my best) and make good music without resorting to this bullshit. If you’re going to be religious then at least do some brilliant tunes, hell, Johnny Cash managed it!
November 28th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
The title of the book reads much better if you add a coma after ‘Christians’…
November 29th, 2009 at 1:08 am
Stuart wins the thread!
December 1st, 2009 at 1:25 pm
It’s very much a joke.
December 1st, 2009 at 5:16 pm
What will those crazy Christians think of next? Fucking loony Christians…