IF Tiger Woods is feeling a trifle less randy this morning, it could be ’cos his libido has been zapped by that notorious passion-killer, Jehovah.
On Wednesday, you see, a band of Christian fundies – who could think of nothing more worthwhile to do in the run-up to Christmas – gathered at Baltimore’s Miracle Temple Seventh-day Adventist Church to pray for Wood to have less wood for anyone other than his betrothed.
Tiger Woods
Joined by the ludicrously-named the Pray at the Pump Movement, they also bowed their heads for Barack Obama whom they identify as:
Also vulnerable to womanizing.
The church said in a press release prior to its Urgent Christmas Prayer Vigil:
The greatest golfer in the world has fallen from the grace of humans, but not from the grace of God who still loves him dearly. About 100 members of the Miracle Temple Seventh-day Adventist Church … will drive this point home as they hold an Emergency Christmas Prayer Vigil for this true sports icon.
These members want him to know that even though the entire world seems against him, that they care about him as he desperately tries to hold his family together in accordance with God’s word. Those gathered say that we have all sinned and come short of the glory of God and urge the critical public to show compassion for Tiger as well as other celebrities who fall from grace.
Dr Errol Stoddart, who is pastor of the progressive congregation and an avid golf fan, will preach about the need for the public to wrap their arms around Tiger during this moment of disgrace. He points to a number of individuals in the Bible such as Abraham, David and Solomon who became victims of worldly lust, but whom God forgave. If God can forgive us, we should be able to forgive others.
President Obama
The church also called on Obama to turn more to God and prayer and less to the wisdom of his human council of economic advisers.
These fools must have very short memories. That’s precisely what the god-addled G W Bush did, and look at the mess that followed.
The church added:
Obama is just a man, like Tiger Woods, that God has richly blessed. At some point, both must come to the realization that God and not man is Supreme. It was God that arranged events so that Obama could win the Nobel Peace Prize after being in office for only 11 days. We saw the power of prayer as the gas prices started coming down when we organised pray circles at gas pumps all over the country. Both Tiger and Obama who is also vulnerable to womanizing will only be able to succeed as they focus on prayer and fasting just like the prophets of old did when things got rough. Our prayers are with Tiger during this hour of trial.
The Freethinker was founded in 1881 by GW Foote, an outspoken critic of religion. After the publication of 
December 18th, 2009 at 10:59 am
He could always move over here for a little while. Maybe get a part in panto,you know the one “Woods in the Babe”.
sorry about that….
December 18th, 2009 at 11:02 am
I’m organizing a “prayer circle” at the local Tesco’s on Saturday, in the hope that this will bring down their prices in the run-up to Christmas. Anyone interested in supporting me please get in touch.
December 18th, 2009 at 11:04 am
If Tiger were some big Hollywood star or Democratic Congressman doing the same thing they’d be ranting about how he’s in the clutches of Satan, helping to lead America down the path to destruction. But no. They like Tiger. (The same way they like, well, Abraham, David and Solomon.) They want to keep liking Tiger. The obvious solution? “Let’s get him saved!” (Although, Mojoey’s site is enough to prove “getting saved” is no guarantee of moral reform.)
December 18th, 2009 at 11:12 am
The greatest golfer in the world has fallen from the grace of humans,???? He has??? Maybe the authors grace(what ever that is) but not mine. Wait! Who is Tiger Woods??? Oh yes some dud who gets paid to beat up little white innocent balls.
What he does as a person is between him, his wife, and the cops. What he does while beating up little balls should be judge by his sport (is has a ball so I guess it is a sport.
Its always amazing how those religious types get all worked up about how someone ELSE uses his tool! I wish the xtian would keep their tool out of everyone elses rear orifice and mind their own ‘morality’.
December 18th, 2009 at 11:38 am
American Christians are besotted with sports stars, which is strange when you consider that “sport” today is just a branch of the entertainment industry which they consider to be “of the Devil”! However, I am still rolling around laughing at this idea that “prayer circles” were somehow responsible for the drop in gas prices!! When I told my old friend Pam Airhead about it she immediately came up with this seasonal ditty (to the tune of “Hark The Herald Angels”):
Petrol has got very dear -
Always does this time of year -
It cost me an arm and leg
Just to visit Auntie Peg;
But, if on the Lord we call,
See the price begin to fall.
Drivers all will shout with glee:
“Soon the petrol will be free!”
December 18th, 2009 at 11:41 am
My latest comment has disappeared again – I’m on the point of giving up!
December 18th, 2009 at 11:57 am
Erm, hang on, my last comment went weird. But here goes…
What do Tiger Woods and Barack Obama have in common? Gosh, could it be skin tone? The president is just as prone to womanising as the golfer because… Well, just look at him. Brown. Can’t keep away from Aryan women. Just like his old dad.
I’ll withdraw my typically wet lefty liberal comment if it turns out this fundie church is in fact black. But I’d lay odds it’s all-white.
December 18th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
PMSL “We saw the power of prayer as the gas prices started coming down”
Do you think they could spare 10 minutes to nip down to my local Tesco and get god to sort out some special offers for me on seasonal party snacks?
Edit- Aww Barriejohn! Great minds think alike!?!?
December 18th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
I thought my post, above, had disappeared, too, barriejohn. After I posted it it wouldn’t show up. When I tried to post it again I was told that it was a duplicate post. Now, quite some time later, it shows up.
December 18th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Damn god! How could he betray us all by succumbing to the worldly lust for a porn star, a pancake waitress, and seven others? Check out the
First ChurchDamnation of Tiger Woods by fundie John Ziegler – ROTFL!December 18th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
re ‘Pray at the Pump Movement’ – the local bishop used to live at a house where the driveway led at an acute left angle onto a busy main road, meaning anyone leaving it couldn’t see traffic from the right, and vice versa.
One of the more approachable local vicars tells me this led to a practice known amongst clergy as ‘P,P & P’, which stood for ‘Pump Pedal and Pray!’
December 18th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
Unhinged doesn’t describe these folk because the term is too tame. They have absolutely zero evidence that our president cheats on his wife, in fact, the evidence shows the opposite: they appear to be totally devoted and committed to each other. This is another attempt to start a false rumor that they hope the other fundies will latch onto and blast all over the blogosphere. They also hope Fuchs Noose picks it up and passes it on to its’ delusional viewers who accept any news from Murdoch’s rag as above reproach. I’m also sure that Tiger Woods doesn’t need their intercession with God on his behalf. The hypocrisy of these people is never hard to miss. They never have anything to say when one of their own is caught with his pants down (Televangelist Ted Haggard, Senators John Ensign & David Vitter)but have a lot to say when someone else does the same thing. This is the main reason I let nothing they do/say affect my opinion of anyone. They can’t/won’t police their own, making them hypocrites and therefore, I find no value in anything they do/say.
December 18th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
valdemar–Some of the African American fundies hate Obama’s guts, too. Bishop Harry Jackson and Alan Keyes come to mind, so it wouldn’t surprise me if this came from one of the AA fundie churches. The AA fundies in Houston, TX aligned themselves with the conservatives recently to try to prevent a highly-qualified person, who happened to be gay, from becoming mayor. The most gratifying thing was that she won!!! I’m AA myself, but I don’t agree with anything they do/say, because they are nuts.
To The Rational Fool–Who wouldn’t begin laughing at the mere mention of John Ziegler’s name connected to anything? The man is beyond clueless.
December 18th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
valdemar,
That crossed my mind, but
http://www.miracletemple.net/article.php?id=352
December 19th, 2009 at 1:08 am
Valdemar,
You can more or less guarantee any church in Baltimore is predominantly or entirely black, unless it’s in one of the uber-rich areas. But as shown in the link provided by Don, this one is indeed a very black church.
As to Tiger Woods, allegedly he doesn’t even identify as black . I wonder if these poor fools know that, and if they’d be mooning over him so much if they did.
December 19th, 2009 at 3:50 am
Hi, this is Rocky Twyman, the founder of the Pray at the Pump Movement. Noone said that Obama was cheating on his wife. We are praying that he will be strong and will not go that path. He has become a sex symbol of the the tabloids. He comes in contact with some of the most beautiful women in the world. The Bible tells us that the Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Look what happened to Governor Sanford and President Bill Clinton. With our economy in shambles, the last thing we need is another Monica Lewinsky scandal at The White House. WE DO NEED TO PRAY THAT GOD WILL KEEP OUR PRESIDENT FREE FROM MARRIAGE INFDELITY THAT COULD RUIN HIS PRESIDENCY. There are rumors that Tiger is seriously contemplating suicide. That would be an insult to God on high. God has blessed him with enormous wealth and he needs to glorify God through using that money to help his fans that struggling with joblessness and foreclosures. In fact, Florida where Tiger lives has one of the highest foreclosure rates in the country. I repeat we are not saying that Obama is a womanizer, but that he is subject to the pitfalls of womanizing. We continue to plead with him to hold an ecumenical Prayer Meeting at the White House for Jobs and a Better Economy. We do not need any more beer summits, but prayer summits at the White House. The answer to the country’s problems are so simple: Pray and Fast. Read the New York Times bestseller called Fasting of Pastor Jentezen Franklin from Gainesville, Georgia and all of you doubters will have a differnt view point about prayer.
December 19th, 2009 at 8:53 am
What President Obama really needs to do is to put as much distance as possible between himself and religious lunatics like Rocky Twyman!
December 19th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Oh, brethren – I take it all back! I’ve just read in the paper that the stores will be open until midnight tonight, and that prices have been slashed – and all in answer to our earnest prayers. I can’t wait to get to the bank, either, to check my balance, because, if my suspicions are correct, it will now be in the millions! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Prayer works. God is real. Praise His Holy Name!!
December 19th, 2009 at 9:23 am
How very strange it seems that, on the one hand (in the Red Corner, so to speak) we have Brother Twyman praying FOR the President, yet on the other (ie the Blue Corner) we have another bunch of Bible-believing lunatics, like that ol’ Wiley Drake, offering up “imprecatory prayers” to bring about his destruction! God must get VERY confused at times – I’m just glad that I haven’t got his job, that’s all!!
December 19th, 2009 at 9:35 am
@majji: I thought that First Church of Tiger Woods site was hilarious! Is John Ziegler a fundamentalist? If so, where did he get his sense of humour from?
December 19th, 2009 at 11:05 am
You keep right on praying, Rocky. Just do it in your closet, the way Jesus said.
December 19th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
go to http://www.freethoughtperspective.net then scroll down to article, “Wife disowns husband for absence of masochism.”
December 20th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Obama and Tiger are worlds apart, he, Tiger is glorified for his game of golf, woo hooo!! Hords of woman at his beck and call, probably was a nerd in HS and now is reaping his rewards, with his father now gone who is watching him?? He’s a joke at best, like Jon of Jon and Kate plus eight. Fame has given them a license to get what they want, when no one would give him the time of day before fame. These guys are just idiots and will pay the heavy price of their stupidity and jumps in the hay with woman who just want a piece of them. Their kids will grow up to hate them and the divorces will cost them millions. Yeah it was worth it wasn’t it. Karma is a bitch!!
December 20th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
You’re right, @h. allison. The man seems to have absolutely zero personality (and spending your entire Christmas Day watching baketball with him must be such a hoot!), so I don’t suppose that the fame and fortune could have anything to do with the attraction, could it?
December 20th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
It seems that Brother Twyman is certainly on to something:
http://news.bbc.co.uk//1/hi/business/7566566.stm
How about we start a prayer vigil outside the Inland Revenue offices?