News

Sex aids for the devout

ALTHOUGH “Christ-centred” businesses offering “tasteful” sexual appliances to the married Christian couples have been around for a while, there has been no equivalent in the Islamic world – until now.

We have just learned that an on-line store for married Muslims has been set up in the Netherlands.

El Asira – “Society” in Arabic – offers massage oils, cocoa butter lubricants and aphrodisiacs such as Pure Power, a capsule that claims to

Heighten male performance, desire and pleasure.

The founder of the website has been careful to take religious advice and so far his business has been a hit.

Said Abdelaziz Aouragh, a Dutch citizen born and raised in Amsterdam of Moroccan parents:

We had 70,000 hits in the first four days.

His aim, he says, is to change the idea that Islam is in some way hostile to women.

The image of women in the kitchen, submissive, dressed in a burqa isn’t true. There is a lot of love. Islam has a lot of respect for women. Our shop puts the woman at the centre of things.

To be on the safe side, Aouragh consulted Boularia Houari, who preaches in various Dutch mosques and gives lessons in the Koran. The imam told him:

It’s important in Islam that both men and women reach orgasm. If a woman is not satisfied, she will use impure methods such as masturbation or vibrators.

Another imam, Abdul Jabbar, also said that there was no fundamental objection to selling sexual aids providing that they were not toys and were sold only to married couples.

It is unclear, says The Times, how the online shop will determine the marital status of its clients but it does make a big point of trying to treat sex with respect. All ingredients are halal, that is to say, permissible under Islam. None of the products displays naked people and there are no vibrators or pornography in stock. Even the mildly racey pink panties are said to be halal.

The website, which I could not access this morning, reportedly says:

We want to share with other Muslims in a positive way our contribution to a broader view of sexuality and eroticism within the Muslim community.

The new on-line shop, together with a recent erotic German ad (below) showing a Muslima topping off her sexy underwear with a burqa, will no doubt have mad mullahs mulling over the immorality of it all. I predict a flurry of fatwas.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81dRY3xCSXA[/youtube]

Having a particular interest in sex toys – I work part-time in sex shop and have earned the nickname Lord of the Cockrings – I went over to Wholly Love, a UK-based store, which “God instructed” south Wales fundie Stan Hegarty, to open.

Stan told his wife Stella:

It wouldn’t be a sordid thing but a Christian sex shop, aimed at married couples. It would stock sex toys and, you know, ‘things’. But nothing too offensive.

Putting the 'fun' in fundamentalism: Stan and Stella Hegarty

Their store offers:

Products and resources celebrating God’s fantastic gift of sex within marriage … With each one, we have used our best judgement as to whether or not it is appropriate for use within marriage.

Furthermore:

We recognise the importance of having a nudity and pornography free site. We believe that the Bible clearly teaches that images of sexual nudity are for within marriage only. We do not want to have any images of individuals with products on our site – we do not want to exploit any models in this way. Another example of this is that when products have inappropriate images on their packaging, the image you will see in the shop will be of the product without its packaging, or with the packaging digitally altered.

The scary Jackhammer Jesus

Notably, the men’s range of toys excludes anything designed to be put up the bum – so no prostrate massagers or butt plugs for the devout Christian male – and certainly none of the stuff you can buy from that notoriously “blasphemous” supplier of religiously-themed toys, Divine Interventions, which flogs, among other things, the Jackhammer Jesus, God’s Immaculate Rod and the Diving Nun.

Hat Tip: BarrieJohn (for the Islam report)

27 responses to “Sex aids for the devout”

  1. shargraves says:

    The mind boggles – surely female sexuality in islam is haram!

    And as for the xtian sex shop – ha ha – all they’d need to fucking sell is brown paper bags for people to have sex with them. Or toothbrushes or deodorants. ha ha ha!

    I used to know a woman who as a 19 yr old, was at a nunnery, taking holy orders… Thankfully she saw the light and dropped out. But she said that those big old wooden-ball rosary beads got pushed in every orifice that could accomodate them at night in the dorms when the lights went out – LOL! Thats a LOT of beads! Ben wa would have his work cut out making that many vibrating balls.

    But – back on the case of the inhuman monsters – never mind a sex shop – but being online too – Surely the entire internet is Haram. I can’t imagine anything more anti-islamic than a global network with access to the cumulative knowledge of man’s scientific research, movies, music, arts, literature and free speech. EVERYTHING That the anti-human doctrine of murderous idiocy targets.

  2. Stonyground says:

    Where do handcuffs fit into the religiot world I wonder. I believe that they are rather keen on whippy things generally but what about the bondage?

  3. sailor1031 says:

    “It’s important in Islam that both men and women reach orgasm”…….surely this is heresy. Women should reach orgasm? So their clitores are removed, using a razor blade, to facilitate this? I’m confused.

    that jackhammer jesus is really scary!

  4. AngieRS says:

    Maybe it’s me but going by the look on her face she already looks like she’s using some sort of aid…

  5. chrsbol says:

    I can see it now,a blow-up sheep called Ramalam.
    Notice I’ve visited the Gravalar site as well thanks for
    the link Heather.

  6. Tim Danaher says:

    I notice on the WhollyLove site that among their mission statement, alongside ‘Provide a Platform’ and ‘Provide Information’ is ‘Provide Aids.’

    Shome mishtake, shurely?

  7. barriejohn says:

    Christians can’t get anything up their bum, Barry: they’re too tight-arsed!

  8. barriejohn says:

    Is there a hidden warning in the names of these two “Committed Christians”, I wonder?

    Stan/Stella: Satan tells

  9. NeoWolfe says:

    That’s a bit of a stretch Bjohn, if you’re looking for hidden messages in fundie monacres. But a fun game, no doubt. By the way I wouldn’t hose Stella with YOUR dick!!!!!!! Yikes.

    I’ve toured the sex shops and none of them have what I need, a time machine, so I can go back twenty years to when my tool was so hard a cat couldn’t scratch it. I guess I’ll have to be satisfied with shoving jesus up my butt. 🙁

    NeoWolfe

  10. Don says:

    shargraves,

    Actually, I understand that a wife has an established right to sexual satisfaction – in theory at least – within islam.

    Which reminds me of the old chestnut;

    An engaged muslim couple are consulting a mullah about wedding preparations and ask if it is ok to dance together at the wedding. They are told, no – out of the question. That would be immoral and against islam. The husband then asks if there are restrictions on sexual practices after marriage.

    ‘No, not really. As long as it’s not up the bum and no-one gets hurt, go ahead.’

    ‘What, um, oral sex?’

    ‘Sure, no problem.’

    ‘Doggy style?’

    ‘Absolutely.’

    ‘What about ceiling mirrors, trapezes, lingerie?’

    ‘Go ahead, have fun kids.’

    ‘Female on top?’

    ‘No problemo.’

    ‘Standing up?’

    No, that’s out.’

    ‘Why?’

    ‘It might lead to dancing.’

  11. Stonyground says:

    All the joking aside, I think that we should be encouraged by the fact that religious folk are getting into this kind of stuff, even though they are imposing restrictions upon themselves, I still see this as significant progress.

    It would seem that some of the godly are concerned that the sheep are going to look over the fence and see that the godless enjoy greener grass when it comes to kinky fun. The problem for them of course is that by opening the gate just a little, they are confirming that the godless do indeed enjoy greener grass, and by their restrictions ensure that they still do. How many mouse-clicks do you suppose will pass before the pious head for a website that does not bother about whether a particular product is halal or whatever?

  12. Barry Duke says:

    @ Neowolf: “So hard a cat couldn’t scratch it” are precisely the words on one of our most popular lines, So-Hard capsules – a Viagra substitute that does precisely what it says on the box.

  13. Marcus says:

    If, as the lovely Stan and Stella say, sex really is “god’s fantastic gift” why are xtians so completely up-tight and guilt-ridden about the whole subject?

  14. barriejohn says:

    A muslim with a dildo up his bum
    Said: “I do it ’cause it helps to make me cum.
    I have scanned the web in vain
    For a lube to ease the pain,
    But some anaesthetic’s sure to make it numb.”

  15. NeoWolfe says:

    Actually Bduke, I am amused by sex. When you reach an age when the hormones stop raging, you gain a new perspective, i.e., that nature has been tricking you into misery your whole life, chasing “true love” to serve it’s own purpose. Propagation of the species. The trouble with adopting a hole to stick your tool in is that there are other holes attached, and one of them eats all your food and bitches and whines. (the third one makes your dick stink):-)

    I am involved in an experimental relationship now, a threesome. Me, the internet, and a paper towel. So far, so good, but we aren’t yet considering marriage.

    NeoWolfe

  16. Barry Duke says:

    “Aha”, cried the rug-butter’s chum,
    “There’s no need for a pain in the bum.
    “Spray on some Relaxxx,
    “Shunt your toy in up to the max
    “And you’ll cum and you’ll cum and you’ll cum!”

  17. Broadsword says:

    I couldn’t get into El Asira either.

    I wanted to see if there was a butt plug or doll called “The Mohammed”, or pubic wigs in the shape of islamic beards. Or these:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1pHR1rM2tw

    As for the xians, I imagine the hypocrites are probably buying stuff from ordinary shops anyway. Having just the pics of their products is a waste of time. Buyers sometimes need to see an item on a model to make an informed choice, especially if your squinting at a monitor.

  18. barriejohn says:

    Are you allowed to promote commercial products on this site, Barry?

    (PS I really enjoyed reading your excellent poem with the help of my new Specsavers glasses – so reasonably priced and stylish too. All my friends admire them, and they’re offering two pairs for the price of one for a limited time only!)

  19. Barry Duke says:

    I only promote those products which contribute indirectly to my earnings, BarrieJohn. As I have an expensive drug habit (tobacco), anything that helps boost my income will be shamelessly plugged here.

  20. barriejohn says:

    No discounts for regular contributors?

  21. Barry Duke says:

    Of course discounts for regulars … so what will it be, eh, BJ?

  22. Marcus says:

    Barry, I see you have gone and got your boring old silhouette changed to a rather natty picture. Tell me, how does one also go about getting one’s name sorted so it has initial caps in al the right places and spaces in etween?

    Heather Flight – ant advice you can give in that front?

  23. barriejohn says:

    I think my friends might like to see me with one of those ball things in my mouth, Barry: as a permanent fixture!

  24. Barry Duke says:

    Ah, BJ, that’s our bondage staple – the ballgag. We have ’em in red and black. Your choice.

  25. Broadsword says:

    Love them or hate them I suppose the Hegartys should be “praised” for having the guts and confidence to make a go of it.

    I do think their business model is flawed however. Their target market is dwindling and I’m sure any visiting xians would find better prices elsewhere with a quick google.

    I like the pic you posted of them, Barry. The “Oral Sex” thingy in the forefront is interesting. Is it an item for sale or are they offering to perform a service? Who would you pick……………

  26. barriejohn says:

    I agree, Broadsword. If Christians are looking for sex aids they will want the best deal that they can find, and are hardly going to be offended by a few naked images, are they?

    PS I wonder whether Mr Hegarty has to be “digitally altered” before rogering his wife!

  27. Broadsword says:

    barriejohn

    “I wonder whether Mr Hegarty has to be “digitally altered” before rogering his wife!”

    Who says he rogers her. Perhaps he likes her to strap it on.