News

‘Allah’ pig mortifies Muslims

A DANISH pig farmer is in hiding today after receiving death threats from Muslim groups who accused him of branding a pig with the Arabic word “Allah”.

Gerulf  Toksvig, 53, who has a farm near Aarhus, caused outrage this week when he invited reporters to examine the “miracle” markings on his prize piglet, Paprika.

Paprika the pig with her 'Allah' markings

Said Toksvig:

At first the markings were very indistinct, but over the last few weeks they have become a lot clearer. I had no idea that what they signified, but a farmhand suggested that it looked like the Arabic sign for Allah.

Toksvig added:

I checked on the internet, and sure enough, it IS Allah.

Asked why the markings should appear on a pig, of all creatures, when pork is strictly forbidden to Muslims, Toksvig replied:

Maybe Allah had a change of mind. Surveys have shown that Danes eat the most pork per capita in the world. Also that Danes are the happiest people on the planet. There has to be a correlation between these findings.

He added:

Perhaps Allah wants Muslims, who are generally a right sour bunch, to lighten up a little. I think a bacon sandwich now and again would make them a lot less grumpy.

But a spokesman for the Danish Muslim Society, Mohammed Kaseem, dismissed the Priscilla’s markings as “a crude hoax”, clearly part of a “Zionist/homosexual/feminist conspiracy”.

Wrinkling his nose, Kaseem snorted:

I saw this pig up close – but not TOO close. From where I was standing it looked to me like a branding of some sort. Or a tattoo or whatever. It’s definitely man-made and NOT a sign from Allah.

He added:

Pork is one of Denmark’s biggest exports, and I believe this a part of a conspiracy to infiltrate huge Islamic markets by convincing gullible Muslims that pig meat is halal.

He added:

This is a blasphemy. Every Muslim knows that pig flesh is harmful to human health. Pigs – like Jews and Christians and Hindus – have very low personal and moral standards.

Zakir Naik declared porkers 'shameless' after studying their sex lives

Islamic scientists have proved that the pig is the most shameless animal on the face of the earth. Islamic expert Zakir Naik has rightly pointed out that ‘it is the only animal that invites its friends to have sex with its mate’.

Naik also said that in America, most people consume pork. Many times after dance parties, they have swapping of wives; ie many say ‘you sleep with my wife and I will sleep with your wife’. If you eat pigs then you behave like pigs.’ Naik is a world authority on such matters, and I believe every word he says.

Kaseem referred journalists to another Islamic expert, Rashid Shamsi.

Writing in the Muslim World League Journal,  (October 1999), Shamsi said:

The pig is naturally lazy and indulgent in sex. It is dirty, greedy and gluttonous. It dislikes sunlight and lacks the spirit and will to fight. A man becomes what he eats. Consumption of swine-flesh creates lowliness in character and destroys moral and spiritual faculties in a man.

Kaseem grunted:

What use are  Muslim pussies who lack the will to fight or set fire to flags and people and stuff? I detect the hand of Zionists and homosexuals and lesbians and women’s rights agitators behind this hateful conspiracy, because they will benefit most from a docile Islamic Ummah.

Asked why pig-eating Danes were not only the happiest people in the world, but also claim to be among the healthiest, Kaseem snapped:

They were probably drunk when the surveys were done.

43 Responses to “‘Allah’ pig mortifies Muslims”

  1. I really do hope this is satire.

    (I also secretly hope that “in hiding” in the first line was a brilliant pun).

  2. Social comments and analytics for this post…

    This post was mentioned on Twitter by thefreeth: New post: ‘Allah’ pig mortifies Muslims http://freethinker.co.uk/2010/04/01/allah-pig-outrages-muslims/

  3. Broadsword says:

    This might be an April Fool but as this is the first of the month it will be pinch-punch in our house.

    The article says it all about the twats who profess religious outrage. They can’t see that if they keep complaining, eventually someone will take the piss.

    I wonder what other animals would raise a smile if named Mo? Might I suggest:
    Sloth
    Vulture
    Jackal
    Rat

  4. dionigi says:

    Happy April fools day

  5. GM Vancouver says:

    “Naik also said that in America, most people consume pork. Many times after dance parties, they have swapping of wives…”

    Pork and wife swapping. Where do I sign up?

  6. GM Vancouver says:

    “Happy April fools day”

    D’oh!

  7. Heather Flight says:

    I love a good April fool!

  8. barriejohn says:

    Paprika the Prize Pig’s Posterior Peppered with Provocative Print

    The sad thing about this story is the great difficulty one has in discerning where the fiction ends and the reality begins!

  9. Pete H says:

    Haha, great stuff!

    And of course, probably not too far from reality. :-D

  10. Al says:

    @barriejohn

    Exactly! However much I’d like to think it’s an April Fool’s it could easily be true.

  11. Angela_K says:

    Nice one! If only it were true. The comments by Kasseem are standard muslim bollocks.

  12. Congratulations! Great April Fool! I’ll now go and look at other favourite blogs and see what they’ve come up with. Thanks.

  13. Godless not gormless says:

    @Broadsword

    How about an Ass? That seems very fitting for allah.

  14. NeoWolfe says:

    Bjohn, do you ever do sensational headlines that do not involve words that start with P? :-)

    Here is my major concern, if a piece of french toast with the face of the madonna fried into it is worth thousands on ebay, a pig with Allah fried into his ass should be worth millions!!! No one can be sure, but collectors will no doubt assume the glyph was burned into the pig’s ass during non-consentual sex. But, since Allah has no DNA, he left an autograph instead.

    NeoWolfe

  15. mikespeir says:

    I did notice there’s no link to the “story.” ;)

  16. AngieRS says:

    Brilliant! Pound to a penny someone out there in islam will see this and get the strop anyway.

  17. david says:

    i swear i’m seeing a dick and some balls in the markings!

  18. barriejohn says:

    @david: You’re so right – hahaha!!!

    @NeoWolfe: Are you taking the P?

    Acrostics, Anagrams, And Alliterations All Ardently Afforded with Amazing Alacrity

  19. shargraves says:

    Jolly good jape.

    The wife got me this morning saying that the Tesco delivery would be between 12-2pm. When really its coming between 5-7pm like normal.

    Oh how we laughed… You had to be there. I’m such a bloke, I only know where half the things go in the kitchen.

    I do the washing up in the house though – I am a still a feminist despite being part neanderthal.

  20. Marcus says:

    Very funny! That perked my morning up no end. But what’s worrying is that it could be true. I love the photo, too. What a muppet.

  21. Broadsword says:

    I stood in the hallway and opened the post this morning. I sullenly informed the missus that I’d been clocked at 107mph on the motorway and was to lose my driving licence.

    Funny, but not as good as the ex-wife one I did some years ago.

  22. sailor1031 says:

    Good joke. Every hated group gets accused – christians, zionists, homosexuals, americans, feminists, pork-eaters, wife-swappers…..the pig looks happy and intelligent but poor old Zakir Naik doesn’t look all that tightly wrapped….

  23. tony e says:

    I could not stop laughing. Brilliant!

  24. Janstince says:

    Good joke. As a lot of people have said, these are indeed the viewpoints they hold. However, if comparing pigs to Danes, I can think of one analogous reason for the highest happiness rates: I read somewhere, a few years ago, that a pig actually has a 30-minute orgasm. See if that wouldn’t brighten up your day :)

  25. Wurble says:

    Great April fool!

    Thought you might like to see this example of an all year round variety, I’m pretty sure it’s genuine!

    http://www.praisemoves.com/bio.htm

  26. barriejohn says:

    That’s SO funny, Wurble, but mainly because we know that they can’t see the joke themselves!

    Quote: She is the Founder of the PowerMoves Kidsâ„¢ Program, the first classroom program to combine Character Education and Fitness, being used in public schools, private and home schools throughout the U.S. and Canada.

    “Winning the War Against Childhood Obesity – with CHARACTER!”

    I came across this sort of trendy claptrap all the time when I was a Christian, and I was invariably left open-mouthed in astonishment by it!!

  27. Wurble says:

    Cheers barriejohn, I thought you might like that. I actually put the wrong link up, I meant to put this one about Yoga, it’s absolutely full of deluded quotes and thoughts, priceless!

    http://www.praisemoves.com/christianalternative.htm

  28. Holland says:

    First solution to the religion problem: eat all muslim pigs! LOL!

  29. barriejohn says:

    Wurble: I have said before that the Plymouth Brethren will not allow members to practice Yoga as it is “of the devil”, and other fundamentalists share this view. It is a means he uses to take over your soul!

    Listen to the very wise Laurette: I call yoga “the missionary arm of Hinduism and the New Age movement.” We don’t often think of other religions having missionaries, but the philosophy and practice of yoga have been primary tools of Hindu “missionaries” to America since “Indian priest and mystic” Swami Vivekananda introduced yoga to the West at the 1893 World’s Fair in Chicago. (My emphasis)

    OK for Christian missionaries to go round the world forcing their beliefs down people’s throats then, but, as always, they don’t like people of other, equally valid, and sometimes even older, faiths doing the same. She’s years out of date with her views anyway, and sounds just like another of Catherine Tate’s comic parodies!!

  30. Janstince says:

    Wurble,

    Most interesting. I was wondering where my godless tendencies and lack of belief came from. Now I know it was that yoga class I took for a phys ed requirement those years ago. Oh, wait, I was godless before it, and I certainly have no intention of buying into Hinduism, much more thoughtful belief system that it is compared to christianity.

    As for meditation, well, to me it’s like thinking before you speak or act. I don’t meditate all the time, but for larger problems, I do like to sit and contemplate ideas from all angles before making a decision. I guess xians are freed from that through their “salvation by grace,” which is why they are allowed to go out and murder, rape, despoil, and in the end still be saved.

  31. Brian Jordan says:

    This is from March 30th – but it IS the Daily Mail:
    “Warning to religious groups after traces of pig’s blood found in cigarette filters

    Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1262322/Warning-religious-groups-traces-pigs-blood-cigarette-filters.html#ixzz0jrwyFG1m

    Spoilsports immediately pointed out that Muslims are not supposed to smoke anyway. Honest they don’t.

  32. barriejohn says:

    Oh dear, Janstince! Meditation is just another of the devil’s clever ruses to get you to “empty your mind” so that he or one of his acolytes can take possession of it. Better pop along to that nice Patricia McKinney, of the Manifested Glory Ministries Church to get “exercised” pronto!!

  33. Marcus says:

    That’s brilliant Wurble! I love the fact that she “surrendered” her life to Jesus. It conjures up images of the holy one crouching outside her house in heavenly SWAT gear and holding a bullhorn and a shotgun.

    “Come out now and accept the one true god or I’m gonna blow you away, bitch!”

  34. Non Euclidean says:

    If anyone’s to blame for this it’s the christians. It was they, after all, who took the Pagan new year & turned it into april fools day in an effort to discredit Paganism.
    Even so, if the muzzies weren’t so insecure about their beliefs, much of this sort of thing wouldn’t be directed at them.
    It is hilarious though! -Maybe all pigs should be branded this way!

    Happy New Year! :-)

  35. Chris says:

    “Islamic scientists”?

    It must be satire!

  36. barriejohn says:

    This report appears on several sites today, Chris:

    http://www.newkerala.com/news/fullnews-81511.html

  37. andrea says:

    Funny thing is you could post this report any time of the year and nobody would notice the satire. It’s too close to reality.

    I especially like the bit blaming the whole thing on lesbians. You could get a job in an islamist magazine anytime.

  38. NeoWolfe says:

    Bjohn, regarding your link,

    At the peak of the Ottoman Empire, it’s true, the muslim world was technologically far ahead of Europe. Particularly in the fields of hydraulics and steam power.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Science_and_technology_in_the_Ottoman_Empire

    Goes to show you, that even though they like kissing carpets, and abusing their women, it doesn’t mean they can’t turn a screw.

    NeoWolfe

  39. […] Inkorrekt och roligt: http://freethinker.co.uk/2010/04/01/allah-pig-outrages-muslims/ […]

  40. BENNA says:

    PPL MAKE OUT OF FUN, BUT WHATEVER DR NAIK SAID WAS TRUE’. SLEEPING WITH OTHER WIFES MUST BE REALLY A JOKE….. BUT THATS WAT HAPPENS IN AMERICA.

  41. Barry Duke says:

    Benna, Using CAPS denotes shouting! Please don’t shout on this blog. It’s rude.

  42. Pig named Allah says:

    READ the Holy Words of Allah:

    http://pigallah.blogspot.com

  43. Samda says:

    Its Allah on Pig or Pigs taking over Muslims. Why so many Muslims discussing about Pig, do they have interest in this creature