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Satire: Pope vows to bring the paedophila rate down to five children per 1,000 clergy

CALLING the behaviour shameful, sinful, and much more frequent than the Vatican was comfortable with, Pope Benedict XVI vowed this week to bring widespread paedophilia within the Roman Catholic Church down to a more manageable level.

There 'will be hell to pay' if priests exceed their permitted number of molestations

Addressing thousands gathered at St Peter’s Square on Easter Sunday, the pontiff offered his “most humble apologies” to abuse victims, and pledged to reduce the total number of molestations by 60 percent over the next five years. He said:

This is absolutely unacceptable. It seems a weakening of faith in God has prevented our priests from exercising moderation when sexually abusing helpless minors. And let me remind our clergy of the holy vows they all took when they entered the priesthood. They should know that they’re only allowed one small child every other month.

Ratzinger’s statement that he was deeply disappointed to learn that the number of children sexually abused by priests was almost 10 times above the allowable limit clearly outlined in church doctrine was reported by the satirical magazine, The Onion. And true to form, this chuckle-inducing Onion piece is well worth reading in full.

It says, for example:

• That the Holy Father, admitting for the first time in public that the over-indulgent touching of “tender, tender young flesh” had become a full-blown crisis, vowed to implement new reforms to bring the paedophilia rate back down to five children per 1,000 clergy.

• That Vatican spokesperson Rev Federico Lombardi said:

The truth is there will always be a little bit of molestation – it’s simply unavoidable. But the fact that young boys have gotten much more attractive over the past few decades is no excuse for the blatant defiance of church limits that have been in place for centuries.

Lombardi added:

The majority of priests don’t want to molest kids at all. But for those who do, we must make sure they’re doing it at a reasonable rate.

• That specially trained cardinals will make unannounced visits to inspect and observe random churches in order to ensure they are not going beyond diocese-wide molestation caps. The inspector-cardinals will grade each parish based on long, private interviews with altar boys in darkened church basements, and careful observation of priests’ sexual activity.

These senior officials will also have the authority to enforce harsh punishments for any clergy member violating his allotment of paedophilia.

Explaining the Vatican’s new “Three Strikes, You’re Out Rule”, Prefect Emeritus of the Congregation for Bishops, Giovanni Battista Re, said:

If a priest goes even one child over the limit, there will be hell to pay. After the third offense, the offending priest will immediately be moved to another parish.

• And that, as a “goodwill measure,” all churches will also be required to display a sign next to the altar showing the number of days since the last molestation.

16 responses to “Satire: Pope vows to bring the paedophila rate down to five children per 1,000 clergy”

  1. mikespeir says:

    For a bishop must be blameless, as the steward of God; not selfwilled, not soon angry, not given to wine, no striker, not given to filthy lucre; But a lover of hospitality, a lover of good men, sober, just, holy, temperate….

    Titus 1:7-8

    🙂

  2. Broga says:

    They just don’t get it. The RC Church has attracted, and I guess continues to attract, paedos like flies to a piece of rotten meat. They are so detached from real life. Sean Cary, the Irish Head Honcho, is still in post telling the rest of us how to live; Ratzi is still lined up for a £20 million (UK taxpayer funded – thanks folks, including atheists) trip to the UK in September; and they invent any shite that suits them and no one, least of all on the BBC, challenges. Meanwhile, the gutless Rowan Williams utters a few mild critcisms and the next day, having been bollocked by RC nutters in Ireland, can’t get his apologies in quick enough. I think the Jewish guys as still sore and they know Ratzi and his gang want them converted.

    Williams’ comments on ecumenialism, collegiate relations, (whatever that is) are just verbal fluff.

  3. Janstince says:

    So let me get this straight. The personal preacher for the pope, who claimed the RCC are the new Jews of the Holocaust for having people become disillusioned and for receiving massive numbers of complaints, and yet he is not speaking for the pope. Then this loon of a cardinal comes on and tries to blame everything on secularization, when it was secularization that outlawed paedophilia, rape, murder, and a whole host of other things the church wishes, and tries to, take credit for, and yet this guy is also being distanced as not expressing the position of the Vatican. Who the hell is speaking for these people, then? I know about the whole “baloon floating” thing, but in those cases the balloon pops, the politicians usually either flip-flop their position or, more often, try to let the issue die an anonymous, ignoble death, preferrably far from the eyes of the media. These guys all come out, open mouth, insert foot, ALL THE TIME, and yet they just backpedal for a couple days, say that’s not what they meant, then try some new tack with the same arguments. That seems to be the simultaneous definition of insanity and political suicide. Hopefully even more people will come out and flay these bastards with their pens, tongues, and body parts in such a way as to send the message that, “You were wrong, you’ve been wrong, and we don’t want your bullshit anymore.”

  4. Angela_K says:

    ……five children per thousand clergy – is that the best the catholic church can do? They make it sound as though a certain amount of kiddie fiddling is OK.

  5. William Harwood says:

    Angela: You do realize that The Onion is satire?

  6. David Lawson says:

    Ok. As much as I hate the RCC, can we get link to,preferably audio, quotes from these people rather than taking quotes from the onion? They DO make up “quotes” because they write satire.

    Like the rest of you, don’t want our cause to be based on fiction.

    The crimes the RCC have done are inexcusable but let us realise this story comes from a satire website. To me, being accused of taking a satire article seriously is equivalent of taking a creationist article seriously.

    Let us keep our honesty and recognise this report comes from a satire site.

  7. David Lawson says:

    My last post was sent from my phone. This one is from my laptop so hopefully the spelling will be better.

    I really think this “story” should not have been published on this site.

    This site has a reputation. In certain circles, it is good. in others, it is bad. What doesn’t help this site, which reports news is to include an article from a site that deals purely with satire.

    The article, which I have sent around Twitter myself, should have been linked in a side column of the site.

    I personally think this article should be taken down (no apology needed for putting it up btw) as it could lead to a lot of confusion.

    However, I welcome counter-arguments to my points.

  8. Broga says:

    @William Harwood. Although it is satire, it sets a standard far beyond what they will achieve. Does anything think this gang of paedos, sexually driven and utterly screwed up, will acheive 5 children per 1000 priests. No way. There are regions of the world where they can still indulge their persions. And once the heat cools they will be back at it here but with more care. Sean Brady is still in post and that says much about how series Ratzi is to tackle this. He is as out of touch as ever.

  9. Robinson says:

    If it is from The Onion, then these quotes are *definitely* made up. Still funny, but nobody should confuse that site with anything remotely realistic 🙂

  10. Angela_K says:

    Thanks Dr Harwood, that’ll teach me to read more carefully. The topic does seem so plausible.

  11. Broga says:

    @Angela K. The fact that it seems plausible says all we need to know. In fact,put it up against some of the other comments, about the Jews for example, or the blaming of the media for spreading gossip and the Onion piece seems more plausible than they do. I’ll pass on the truly bizarre about RCs eating the actual flesh and drinking the actual blood of their god. Although I think even they might wonder about how an actual body, with actually blood, and actual flesh can go round so many. But then the feeding of the 5,000……….. better stop, there is no end to it.

  12. NeoWolfe says:

    I am reminded of when Stephen Colbert was still on the Daily Show, and did a skit called, “This week in God”. The best part of the show, side-splitting irreverance and heresy. When Colbert got his own spinoff, he changed his personna to that of a hardline fundamentalist, but it’s still hilarious shit. He just flanked the army and is firing at them from the back side.

    But, Stewart and Colbert got too much money in their pockets. Now they take time off every time they have an excuse. That’s betrayal! They got me addicted, and now, I NEED MY COMEDY!!!! 🙂

    NeoWolfe

  13. NeoWolfe says:

    Comic doing the bible:

    http://www.atheistnexus.org/profiles/blog/list?user=0nppjj2y9y4e2

    holy shit, the prophecies are true!!!!!!!!

    NeoWolfe

  14. pipkin1972 says:

    I must admit this got me for a few moments but you can tell it’s a wind-up when the article states that the pope ‘offered his most humble apologies to abuse victims’-i mean satire is supposed to be based on reality.If they had left the apology bit out this article might have been taken for real and could even have prompted a response from the vatican,can you imagine-

    There have been reports that the pope has now decided to give a shit and do something about the abuse of children in the catholic church.God er sorry the pope would like people to be aware that any reports that don’t indicate what the pope’s true feelings are ‘i couldn’t give a toss now go away plebs’ are completly untrue and the vatican may take legal action if they continue to print the scandalous lie that the church has a conscience.

  15. elainek123 says:

    one child is one too many. Will the Pope give each abused child an audience and let the television televise this to the World. He needs to apologise for all the wicked priests.
    It is like saying by 2012 to end poverty, that is a false promise.
    I hope the Queen asked the Pope about the abuse, I think not.
    I believe the Vatican should be opened to the public.

  16. Stonyground says:

    To be fair, this item is labelled “satire” at the top. The fact that religious pronouncements are so ridiculous that they are often indistinguishable from satire is a problem for me as sometimes Barry posts the satirical stuff without warning. I sometimes read halfway through before realising that it is a spoof and on the odd occasion I don’t twig at all and make a tit of myself in the comments.