AS everyone on the planet ought to know by now, Judgment Day is slated for May 21, 2011 – that’s in just three days’ time.
We know the end is pretty damn nigh because a senile Christian bullshit merchant called Harold Camping, head of Family Radio in the US, has spent months – and around $3-m dollars  - warning us about doomsday.
A cat, a dog ... and an ass called Harold Camping
The millions Camping has spent on ads across America, we suspect, did not come out of his own pocket, but was extracted from batshit crazy followers. And one of his devotees Â- retired subway worker Robert Fitzpatrick – has blown his entire $140,000 life savings on an ad campaign in New York city warning of the apocalypse.
Camping is 90, so we can confidently predict that his world is about to end soon – but for those who actually believe the old fool’s prediction there is a problem: what’s gonna happen to their pets come Saturday?
A bunch of enterprising atheists in 26 US states have come up with a solution: they have set up a business to care for the animal companions of any Christians who are selected to go to heaven when Jesus Christ comes back.
Eternal Earth-Bound Pets says on its website:
You’ve committed your life to Jesus. You know you’re saved. But when the Rapture comes, what’s to become of your loving pets who are left behind?
The post-doomsday pet rescue service, according to this report, already has 259 clients, who have paid $135 for the first pet and $20 for each additional pet at the same address, to ensure the faithful animal companions are looked after and loved even when their Christian owners have been whisked up to heaven.
All the rescuers are sworn atheists, which means they will definitely be left behind on Earth, ready to care for pets after the Rapture.
When Judgement Day happens, Eternal Earth-Bound Pets co-founder Bart Centre said:
We will notify all of our rescuers to go into action and they will drive to the homes of anyone who’s signed a contract with us, pick up their pets and take them home and adopt them as their own, keeping them happy and healthy for the rest of their lives.
He added:
This will happen only if and when the Rapture happens. So we do not expect to have to do anything on Saturday.
Contracts are good for 10 years, just in case the Mayan calendar prophesy, which predicts the world will end in December next year, comes true.
Meanwhile, a “handy” form is doing the web rounds which Rapture-bound people can fill out to ensure their worldly goods go to the right people.
The Freethinker was founded in 1881 by GW Foote, an outspoken critic of religion. After the publication of 
May 19th, 2011 at 7:38 am
Skeptical domestic shorthair & basset hound are skeptical.
May 19th, 2011 at 9:00 am
Genius! If these loons are crazy enough to pay $3m for an ad campaign warning of the imminent rapture, they’re sure to cough up a trifling $135 to have Tiddles taken care of.
One thing bothers me, however: how incredibly remiss was it of god not to give animals souls?
May 19th, 2011 at 9:06 am
The cat that shits on my lawn every night is going to get its own rapture anytime soon.
May 19th, 2011 at 9:15 am
Splitting hairs with religious folk over who has a soul and who doesn’t might be a losing battle. I lost all expectation of consistency here:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/scie.....ise-aliens
May 19th, 2011 at 9:28 am
When the atheist movement in America wake up on the morning of May 22, I hope they take the opportunity to mock these muppets, in public and the media, at length.
I assume, at this moment, Camping and Co are hastily writing down their excuses.
They will probably start with blaming themselves for not having enough faith, then us atheists for not having any faith, then finishing off by blaming the Jews and Muslims for not uniting under the same monotheistic god.
So, come Saturday, I’ll raise a glass to Harold Camping, for stupidity, above and beyond the call of duty!
May 19th, 2011 at 9:33 am
I am really gonna miss the likes of Bob, Birdshit, and Billy Boswell. It’s always nice having someone around whom I can feel both morally and intellectually superior to. My only regret is that they aren’t taking the muslims with them.
And the jews. And the hindus. And the sikhs.And the…
May 19th, 2011 at 9:34 am
Tony E, I agree. Perhaps we could have a mass trolling of Bob Hutton’s and the likes forums, asking why they are still here; I doubt any of our posts would remain for long though.
May 19th, 2011 at 9:44 am
And it’s good to see atheists making money out of the gullible for a change. Some times it makes financial sense to play the game by religions rules.
Cute kitten. Nice doggy. Deluded fuckwit.
May 19th, 2011 at 9:57 am
Angela K,
It’s no use trying to put any comments on Bob Huttons site, as you know any thread which does not entirely agree with his deluded view of reality is instantly deleted.
We should look at this ‘rapture’ as a win/win for us atheists. If it does not happen then we can laugh and mock, if it does happen then the likes of Camping, Hutton et al will be out of our lives for good.
May 19th, 2011 at 10:06 am
Re the comments of AgentCormac et al, read this and weep!
http://christianity.about.com/.....heaven.htm
Most of us can’t picture a paradise of unspeakable beauty without flowers, trees, and animals. Would it be heaven for an avid birdwatcher if there are no birds? Would a fisherman want to spend eternity with no fish? And would it be heaven for a cowboy without horses?
(“He’s making it up as he goes along!”)
May 19th, 2011 at 10:59 am
“and tombs opened. The bodies of many godly men and women who had died were raised from the dead.” Only mentioned in the bible ref:Matt27:52 after the crucifixion of Jesus. Not mentioned by any contemporary source at the time. The imagination of the religious in overdrive and quite embarrassingly so. Apocalyptic rantings of a fruit cake. Accept of course a fruit cake is far nicer.
May 19th, 2011 at 11:00 am
Good to have you back barriejohn!
(BTW, for AgentCormac read Marcus. Someone else had already got the avatar with that name, so I had to choose another ‘handle’.)
May 19th, 2011 at 11:36 am
I think the Americans ripped off the idea from us.
This British version has been around for ages:
http://www.postrapturepetcare.com/
May 19th, 2011 at 12:05 pm
@barriejohn,
Good to have you back.
Tony
May 19th, 2011 at 12:19 pm
I hope we get to hear why the Rapture did not happen. Postponed due to poor weather? Angels haven’t quite got the heavenly accomondation ready?
May 19th, 2011 at 12:30 pm
@Broga,
Surely he can’t use the “I got my calculations wrong” one again?
May 19th, 2011 at 12:32 pm
Agreed. Welcome back barrie.
My students and I are having a rapture party on Saturday night!!! W00t!!!
May 19th, 2011 at 12:43 pm
If you look at Camping’s “calculations” you will see that there is plenty of room for manoeuvre, and I don’t see any reference to past changes to the calendar either. In any case, he was wrong about 1994, which tells you all you need to know about him and his gullible followers really.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2.....prediction
(Thanks for the comments. “Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”)
May 19th, 2011 at 1:34 pm
The comments, as usual, are far nicer — than fruit cake, as well.
May 19th, 2011 at 2:24 pm
When I read the headline, I thought this related to mutated pets or something. The picture seemed to confirm this, showing a two-headed creature that’s half cat and half dog.
Great idea though. I volunteer to be a UK rep for them. A bit late for 21 May deadline, but I’m sure there will be others.
May 19th, 2011 at 2:29 pm
I’m reminded of that simpsons episode “thank god it’s doomsday”.
We’ve had an advertising campaign for the rapture in Glasgow and there have been ads in train stations not just in the main ones like queen street but they had them up at the train station around from my house.
On monday morning I’m going to phone the ASA and make a complaint about false advertising, whose with me??
May 19th, 2011 at 3:27 pm
Ha, ha, HA HA HA….Now why didn’t I think of this. I guess it’s because I’m a good person and would not take advantage of the mentally retarded. And I don’t have to prey to the magical cloud god to help me be a good person.
May 19th, 2011 at 4:45 pm
Well personally, I can’t wait for the 21st May. Once it’s over, I’ll finally be able to book a holiday without worrying about wasting my money.
Plus, of course, I’m going to see some preachers (Manic Street ones, that is).
May 19th, 2011 at 4:49 pm
Help is also at hand here in Blighty.
BarrieJohn, good to see you back!
“Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”
Hmmm. You doth protest too much. Maybe we should rename you Lazarus…
May 19th, 2011 at 4:50 pm
@Pete H: I think we will discover that, although the Rapture has not happened, the believers will not be disabused of their beliefs. The reasons why they will not lose these are that they are too deeply into them, too insecure to abandon them, too lacking in other options. What will be interesting will be the excuses.
May 19th, 2011 at 5:35 pm
@ Barriejohn – Following your link above – you’ve got to feel pity for poor old brainless Jack Zavada, who graduated in 1973 and describes himself as a career writer..
One glance at his photo confirms his single status – and self-pity is his forte it seems as he has been rejected by everything in life ever since presumably to him being an insufferable christian virgin – so he has self-published by the looks of things, such testaments to loser-dom as “The Single’s Guide to Taking Control of Your Finances” like its difficult to manage a budget with no one else to provide for, “Single & Sure” like he has a choice! – and my favourite: “Outsmarting Loneliness” as if sitting in a room on his own he has to battle with his own personality to convince himself that his life isn’t awful!
Of course – he is talking out of his arse with his derogatory and stupid comments about animals having souls – and therefore my pity for him is tempered by the fact that his idiocy is self inflicted.
Outsmarting loneliness – truly tragic! LOL!
May 19th, 2011 at 6:18 pm
Ah, the End of the World. The gift that keeps on giving.
We have the Mayan nonsense coming up next year, any bets on how many more before the end of the decade?
May 19th, 2011 at 7:46 pm
@stargraves: He’s like a character from a sitcom!
A career writer, Jack Zavada is well acquainted with rejection and disappointment… He attends church and is active in a men’s small group Bible study.
Jack…has collected hundreds of rejection slips over the years while trying to place novels and articles (!!). He has never married, and feels that the hard-won lessons he has learned may help other single people make sense of their lives. He wants to bring hope and encouragement to singles through his Website and ebooks.
While single life can often be difficult, Jack believes that Jesus, who never married, has a special understanding and compassion for singles’ feelings of loneliness and frustration. Jack’s goal is to show singles how to receive God’s love and grace to build a happy life.
Nice to learn that his godly mother knew her place though:
His mother, a homemaker, also sets a positive example through service to her church and care toward family and friends.
This sort of drivel is all too familiar to me, I’m afraid!
http://christianity.about.com/.....zavada.htm
May 19th, 2011 at 8:18 pm
Why do these people have a neurological disorder, constantly wishing for death, instead of living life!
More worrying for us rationalists is that all it will take is for one Christian freak to detonate a nuclear weapon and we’re toast…as Bill Maher would say “if there’s one thing I hate more then prophesy, it’s self-fulfilling prophesy”
With these people in the police, army and government, I suggest that we (rationalists, atheists and humanists) need to celebrate life even more as at some point some religious bastard will kill us all!
again with the Bill Maher “grow up or die.”
May 19th, 2011 at 8:35 pm
I see Camping has no doubt whatsoever that his prediction is right (this time). On the Wikipedia page barriejohn lined to he is quoted as saying:
“I know it’s absolutely true, because the Bible is always absolutely true.”
So, there you have it. When we all wake up as normal on May 22nd, not only will it have been proved that Camping is a lie-riddled old fraud with nothing worthwhile to say, but by his own admission we’ll know the same is true of the bible too.
May 19th, 2011 at 9:17 pm
AgentCormac
Didn’t we already know that? I suspect all he and his ilk will ‘know’ is that they have to roll out the pre-planned excuses.
I suggest a counter-strike: Find a missing-persons report of one Christian going missing on the 21st, and proclaim that as the Rapture. All the other Good Christians™ obviously weren’t good enough…
May 19th, 2011 at 10:09 pm
You’re so right, Daz. When all the “True Christians” are still around after the Rapture that will be proof positive that none of them were really “saved” after all. What fun we’re all going to have!
May 19th, 2011 at 11:59 pm
Is the dog saying to the cat. “I might not have a soul but at least I have a brain!”
May 20th, 2011 at 7:18 am
When I fell for a doomsday prophecy
http://www.salon.com/life/mort.....apocalypse
The author is Salon’s news editor.
May 20th, 2011 at 9:22 am
Oh good grief, they’d better not take this guy back:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/.....story.html
I really hope it is against Federal government policy to have unstable doomsday cultists making security decisions.
May 20th, 2011 at 10:06 am
I was also brainwashed as a young teenager into thinking that “the return of Jesus Christ” was an imminent event, and can testify to the way that this thought takes over your life. It is a pernicious idea. BTW, this was fifty years ago now, and was accompanied by the use of “statistics” showing that natural disasters were on the increase throughout the world – proof positive, along with the obvious “increasing godlessness”, that “the coming of the Lord draweth nigh”. Ring any bells?
May 20th, 2011 at 2:20 pm
Do the loons buying this actually stop and ponder the fact that they are still here despite the end of the world being forecast umpteen times in the past by various evangelist sociopaths? I remember in 2007 Channel Four screening a documentary called ‘The End of the World Cult’ about ‘Messiah’ Michael Travesser aka incarcerated sex pest Wayne Bent. His tactic was to pick a date for the Second Coming, then, as the date drew closer, gradually change his tune about what we can actually expect to see to the point of admitting that the answer is – nothing, it will be an inner spiritual change. Like everyone else, I’m very much looking forward to Camping and Fitzpatrick’s statements on Sunday (that’s if Fitzpatrick isn’t in hospital from banging his head against the wall several times).
May 20th, 2011 at 11:42 pm
Many different people and groups label themselves christians. It does not make them so. A Christian is one who wants to follow the truth and the precepts of Jesus Christ and believes in them fully. Not lunatic pork chops with delusions. One of the things chistians are exhorted to pray for is wisdom. ( common sense )is in that category.
Carl Rosel
Auckland NZ
May 21st, 2011 at 1:08 am
Praying is, in itself, is a nonsensical and futile exercise, so how in the name of sweet sanity, Carl, can one pray for wisdom? Get a grip fella! People like you really ought to put your brains in gear before you lay fingers on the keyboard.
May 21st, 2011 at 9:44 am
Well, it’s 0930 and there does not seem to be any rapture-like events happening. Just to be sure, I have looked out of my window and nobody appears to be ascending.
Could it be that the christians have got it wrong, yet again. No surprise there then.
I tried his website, to leave a sarcastic message, but could not see anywhere where I could leave a message. If anyone knows where I can leave a message, please let me know.
It’s at http://www.familyradio.com.
May 21st, 2011 at 10:32 am
It’s all happening at 6pm local time wherever you live, Tony. I’m sure that Christians in their millions are ascending to Heaven on the other side of the world even as I type this message. God cannot lie, and everything in the Bible is true!
May 21st, 2011 at 10:38 am
@barriejohn,
What am I going to do for the next 8 hrs?
I suppose I could make a start on the garden……
May 21st, 2011 at 10:40 am
Currently 7:30 pm EST in Australia – obviously I didn’t make the cut. The earthquake seems to have been an unprecedentedly small one as well.
I haven’t heard any cars going off the road or aeroplanes falling either.
All a bit of a let down really, but I am looking forward to the explanations.
May 21st, 2011 at 10:43 am
God certainly isn’t very just. He’s given everyone in the Americas more time to repent than the rest of us. Typical!
PS I don’t think there are any Christians in Australia anyway, are there?
May 21st, 2011 at 6:01 pm
Well, 6.01, still here. Has the perfect god fucked it up again?
May 21st, 2011 at 6:16 pm
Well just turned 6.00 PM in the UK and very little rapture activity here, but when I tried to get onto the famillyradio websight I could not log on SPOOKY?
May 21st, 2011 at 6:42 pm
It’s not 6.00pm GMT yet!
May 22nd, 2011 at 12:12 am
Well, still here after that as well.
May 22nd, 2011 at 2:49 pm
I heard on the suboether network that Zaphod Beeblebrox, president of the galaxy, has vetoed the bill that would build the hyperspace bypass through planet earth, so I guess we are safe from the end of the world for the time being. Reports also say that there is not enough votes in the Galactic senate to overturn the veto!!! Life go on, Harold Camping, you nitwit!! BTW – what are you doing with the 70 million dollars that you’ve bilked your simpleton followers have given to you, build a mansion on Tonga????
May 22nd, 2011 at 3:48 pm
GOOD. Media outlets did some followups.
How True Believers Dealt With the Failed Apocalypse
http://gawker.com/5804346/how-.....apocalypse
May 22nd, 2011 at 4:15 pm
This is one of the problems with universal suffrage and egalitarianism as promoted by the “democracies,†even the insane, like Camping’s followers, are allowed to vote.
May 22nd, 2011 at 4:44 pm
Here are the results of Gizmodo’s #rapturebomb
http://gizmodo.com/5804259/the...../gallery/1
May 30th, 2011 at 4:28 am
barrieJohn,
Sorry I’m not as perfect a human being as you are. No, wait. I’m not.
There’s an old saying, “Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.”
You Freethinkers must be 9 footers.