CATHOLICS have some pretty cock-eyed ideas, especially in regard to the bits and pieces of departed “holy” characters. These, they believe, possess “miraculous” properties.
Jesus’s foreskin is a case in question. At various points in history, a number of churches in Europe have claimed to possess the snipped end of Christ’s cock – sometimes at the same time!
According to the author David Farley, who wrote Fore Shame:
Depending on what you read, there were eight, twelve, fourteen, or even 18 different holy foreskins in various European towns during the Middle Ages.
Several hundred years on and Catholics’ bizarre faith in the healing properties of grisly relics remains undiminished.
Sister Marie Simon-Pierre Normand holds a glass reliquary containing the blood of the late Pope John Paul II during his beatification mass in Saint Peter's Square at the Vatican on May 1, 2011.
A report today says that a vial containing the late pope John Paul II’s blood will soon be winging its way to Mexico in a bid to help bring down crimes rates in the largely Catholic country.
An episcopal conference in Mexico has requested that the relic be sent over and, according to Vatican Radio, the “relic”will arrive in the country on August 17 before being taken to the Basilica of Our Lady of Guadalupe in Mexico City.
A week later the vial of blood from the “blessed” Pope John Paul, a title he acquired posthumously after his successor Benedict XVI beatified him in May, will be taken on a pilgrimage to other Catholic dioceses around the country.
The relic will be accompanied by a statue of the late Polish pope, born Karol Wojtyla, with the intended message one of reconciliation.
Killings in parts of Mexico have shot up in recent years amid a military crackdown on organized crime and drug cartels which has sent soldiers onto the streets.
Mexican bishops, in a statement broadcast on Vatican Radio, said:
The reminder of John Paul II and the love he had for our country should push us to reinforce the faith of the Mexican people, at a time when our nation is undergoing profound social change.
Several vials of blood were taken from Pope John Paul II during the last days of his life in 2005.
This means that a few are left over to quell social unrest elsewhere.
David Cameron, please take note.
The Freethinker was founded in 1881 by GW Foote, an outspoken critic of religion. After the publication of 
August 12th, 2011 at 11:38 am
This particular manifestation of religious insanity actually stems back to the Middle Ages when a roaring trade in ‘genuine’ xtian relics was being done throughout Europe.
At this time, charlatans sold all kinds of rubbish to the gullible masses, who would part with the pittance they owned in the hope that these relics would help buy them an afterlife that made up for the living hell they had endured in their short lives on earth.
Indeed, the expression ‘touch wood’ comes from this era, when millions of naive believers wore lockets around their necks, each of which contained a scrap of wood which they had been assured came from the biblical cross. (Honest, guv.) The peasants would touch said lockets to bring them luck.
History lesson over. Class dismissed.
BTW, Barry – “Killings in parts of Mexico have shot up…”
Intentional or not, it made me laugh!
August 12th, 2011 at 11:44 am
WTF? Aren’t these the same people who used to burn witches and wizards for practising magic? What’s the problem? Prayer not working?
August 12th, 2011 at 12:39 pm
That nun has an unhealthy look. The has that pale, intense, joyless appearance that indicates a life of severe deprivation of all the activities that make life a pleasure. No, I’m not going to describe them.
August 12th, 2011 at 1:18 pm
Bloody hell!
August 12th, 2011 at 1:31 pm
Maybe if they had left the blood in him, he may have lived a little longer?
August 12th, 2011 at 1:35 pm
I read once that a traveller was shown the purported skull of John the Baptist in a church, then later another church made he same claim about a slightly smaller skull. When he queried it he was told, ‘Ah, but this is the skull of John the Baptist as a boy.’
August 12th, 2011 at 2:02 pm
I thought the Church were the Mafia so why would they want to stop drug barons from dealing and killing each other.
August 12th, 2011 at 2:06 pm
I have always found pope’s blood to be very effective at removing communion wine stains from a carpet.
August 12th, 2011 at 2:10 pm
…and if it is so good at bringing peace why don’t we just drain Ratzinger.
August 12th, 2011 at 2:17 pm
Broga
Shouldn’t Sister Marie Simon-Pierre Normand actually look a bit more like this?
http://www.robotvsbadger.com/w.....n_0027.jpg
August 12th, 2011 at 2:22 pm
Remigius, it’s supposed to make crime rates come down not make them soar. Your comment made my day. LOL
August 12th, 2011 at 2:58 pm
So, how come he didn’t put it to better use while it was pumping through his veins?
August 12th, 2011 at 3:10 pm
yeah religion is going to solve problems in mecico, it works wonders in the middle east.
So are they going to figure out how to mass produce the opes blood so they can load it into planes and spray it all over the country, also since catholics excel at merchandising (even more so than KISS) how long before we can expect a catholic energy drink??
August 12th, 2011 at 3:36 pm
AgentCormac: Definitely. Hell, there is even a certain sexy quality to that vampire nun.
August 12th, 2011 at 3:40 pm
Broga
Really? I hadn’t noticed myself. (He lied.)
August 12th, 2011 at 3:49 pm
Neuvy’s little collection must surely trump anything else on offer. Just about the only thing that they haven’t got are Jesus’s nail clippings!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/1.....906070465/
August 12th, 2011 at 3:54 pm
remigius – does Ratzo have any blood? He looks pretty undead to me.
August 12th, 2011 at 3:56 pm
A rabbi, who was retiring, was given a leaving present of a wallet. After 35 years of service he was a little disappointed with the apparent paucity of his gift and made his feeling clear. One of his congregation said “Don’t worry it’s made of 18 foreskins and when you stroke it it becomes an expanding suitcase”!
August 12th, 2011 at 5:52 pm
From Barriejohn’s link.
“The relics behind the altar are of: the Tomb of Christ, the Blood of Christ and a nail from the Crucifixion. They were once successfully used to prevent the river from flooding the town.”
Stated as if it is an obvious fact.
My first thought on reading this post was ‘remind me which century we are living in again’. On reflection, I think that it is a tragedy that we are living in an age of true enlightenment, when such superstitions as these are seen for what they are, and science is used every day for the benefit of mankind, and yet so many are, at the same time, wallowing in superstition and ignorance. The thought that follows from that is that, with all its power and influence, the Catholic Church could actually solve this problem for literally millions of people and flood huge areas of the world with knowledge. However, they choose not to.
August 12th, 2011 at 6:17 pm
Not content with looking with envious yet faith-filled eyes at relics rolled out once every now and again by the church to stave off floods and stop gang crime? Then buy one of your very own!
Yes folks, for a mere $4,250 you can own a
“Christian, Holy Relic of the Shroud of Turin with a (sic) unbroken Seal. Even though this display dates back to around 1733, its legacy can be linked to the last living days of the Lord Jesus Christ. At the center of this relic is a piece from The Shroud of Turin, the most studied artifact in history and specifically is associated with Jesus Christ, his crucifixion and burial.”
Just think, this bit of cloth actually touched the flesh of the son of god! So, what are you waiting for? Everlasting life, amongst other things, presumably awaits the lucky buyer.
http://cgi.ebay.com/Christian-.....840wt_1136
August 12th, 2011 at 7:02 pm
Stonyground: Not only that, but there is absolutely no doubt that it really is “the Most Precious Blood of Jesus”!
http://www.therealpresence.org.....-Neuvy.pdf
(Scroll down for Neuvy)
August 12th, 2011 at 7:20 pm
Barriejohn, with Jesus’s hair- or nail-clippings we could have him cloned and there would be The Father, the Sons and the Holy Ghost.
Just imagine, buy your own Jesus now for only $ 99,99, no circumcision! Every Xtian could have his own Saviour.
August 12th, 2011 at 8:52 pm
AgentCormac: I’ve sent for the Shroud of Turin relic. There’s a three day money-back guarantee, I see, so if it doesn’t cure my mother’s arthritis it’s going straight back!
August 12th, 2011 at 8:58 pm
Har Davids: “We are all individuals!”
(I’ve got an awful vision of The Midwich Cuckoos there.)
August 12th, 2011 at 9:33 pm
Coo, there’s a thing. No wonder there was a sudden rush towards him when he got shot. They were all after a drop.
August 12th, 2011 at 9:41 pm
barriejohn
JUST DON’T, DON’T BREAK THE SEAL!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rI6-JzxV-_M
August 13th, 2011 at 12:21 am
Are we talking glass vials or nuns’ hymens here?
August 13th, 2011 at 12:24 am
Did someone say, “We’re all individuals!”?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVygqjyS4CA
August 13th, 2011 at 1:05 am
The site where they had the skull of the baby Jesus was the best!
August 13th, 2011 at 3:31 am
Why don’t they grab a ml or two of a nice soft Merlo and pray to that? Really should ‘coz in church on Sunday, the Merlo becomes, magically, the blood of jeebus!! Amazing! That means it must have even more magic power than the dead pope’s corpusles. Besides, the dead popes blood is looking a little caked in the photo. There are other ideas that could be used to increase the impact of the decomposed popes dried out blood. Why not mix it in with some incense and then the crowd could breath in the joy of a dead pope? What a way to fix Mexico’s problems and have a nice smell at the same time.
August 13th, 2011 at 8:39 am
@Har Davids
The cloning Jesus from a holy relic thing was actually claimed to be done by some whacky US church. I think that they were planning to have him delivered around the time of the Millenium. I’m not sure where I read the story, it may have been in the hard copy of the Freethinker.
August 13th, 2011 at 10:08 am
Stonyground: Did you mean this?
http://www.rense.com/general3/jesusclone.htm
…taking an incorrupt cell from one of the many Holy Relics of Jesus’ blood and body that are preserved in churches throughout the world…
*Shakes head in disbelief*
August 13th, 2011 at 10:20 am
These fantasists always seem well protected from appearing on television to be questioned by a sceptical interviewer. Instead they make the most bizarre claims as if they were facts. No chance of sceptical questions on the BBC, of course. The RC top cats there have things well buttoned up. On the BBC censorship rules OK.
August 13th, 2011 at 10:39 am
@barriejohn
Yep, that would be the one. Again it makes me think of Poe’s law, this kind of stuff is impossible to parody and so it becomes really difficult to seperate the spoofs from the genuine article.
August 13th, 2011 at 10:59 am
Did you read the comments? One of them says that a clone wouldn’t have a soul! Talk about “You couldn’t make it up”!
August 16th, 2011 at 9:52 am
I don’t expect anything less from the disciples of Voltaire