THE Onion – America’s premier satirical magazine – has turned its signature irreverence to the subject of Christmas. Christmas Exposed – published last month – features more than 100 shocking tales of secret Santas, shopping mall mayhem, dysfunctional families, and – don’t ask – autoerotic asphyxiation.
Readers will discover such hilarious reports like “Child Bored with Christmas Puppy”; “Weed Delivery Guy Saves Christmas”; “Jesus Really Dreading This Next Birthday”, and, many more!
To win a copy of Christmas Exposed – published by Quirk Books which has given the world such amazing tiles as Crafting With Cat Hair and Booze Cakes – take a look at the following five quotes concerning religion, and correctly identify their source.
(1) I believe there is something out there watching over us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.
Was this:
(a) Woody Allen?
(b) Douglas Adams?
(c) Pope Pius XII?
(2) If the concept of God has any validity or any use, it can only be to make us larger, freer, and more loving. If God cannot do this, then it is time we got rid of Him.
Was this:
(a) Henry Ford?
(b) James Baldwin?
(c) Bishop Tutu?
(3) When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, ‘Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?’
Was this:
(a) The Rev Ian Paisley?
(b) Quentin Crisp?
(c) Dame Edna Everage?
(4) A man’s ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.
(a) Was this Professor Richard Dawkins?
(b) The Dalai Lama?
(c) Albert Einstein?
(5) Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you’re going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love.
(a) Brad Pitt?
(b) Butch Hancock, US country/folk singer?
(c) Thomas Jefferson?
Email your entries to barry@freethinker.co.uk, heading them Freethinker Christmas Quiz. Please don’t post your answers in the comments section.
Entries must be received by November 30, 2011. The first correct entry drawn will receive a copy of Christmas Exposed.
There will be two runners-up prizes of a year’s free subscription to the Freethinker magazine.
The Freethinker was founded in 1881 by GW Foote, an outspoken critic of religion. After the publication of 
November 1st, 2011 at 10:37 am
I think I can clear up the autoerotic ashyxiation mystery. In 1994 the body of Tory MP Stephen Milligan was found after having wanked himself to death. He was dressed in womens stockings and had an orange in his mouh.
The traditional Christmas stocking usually contains an orange. Sorted.
November 1st, 2011 at 12:38 pm
Too difficult. Downloading to my Kindle as I write. Thanks for the tip.
November 1st, 2011 at 1:51 pm
Newspaniard. No too difficult. Just copy and paste the quotes into Google. But don’t tell anyone else.
Kindles is great isn’t they.
November 1st, 2011 at 2:16 pm
@Remgius,
‘having wanked himself to death’, I could think of worse ways to go….
November 1st, 2011 at 2:37 pm
tony e. So I guess that when he shouted* “Oh God I’m coming” what he actually meant was – put the kettle on I’ll be there in a minute.
*In as much as one can shout with a gob full of citrus fruit.
November 1st, 2011 at 6:54 pm
Perhaps they could make up a comical story about some angry fundies claiming that remaking a horror film with ‘Christmas’ (as in Black) in the title is an example of Christianity being mocked and bashed.
Or a zealot warning parents that Twilight movie calenders are dangerous.
Oh, both were real-life.
November 2nd, 2011 at 12:15 am
‘having wanked himself to death’, I could think of worse ways to go….
I highly recommend this method.
November 2nd, 2011 at 12:49 pm
O.T. The BBC [Radio 4]excelled themselves this morning, first we had the odious religious apologist Anne Atkins on TFTD immediately followed by the Bishop of London who avoided any questions about the St Paul’s protest put to him, but just gave a political broadcast on behalf of the C of E. I’m sick of the BBC giving unchallenged airtime to these people. [rant over]
November 2nd, 2011 at 8:31 pm
An odious religious apologist on TFTD? Whatever next?
Actually I heard that one. One of the yappier episodes.