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Mad Muslim cleric warns women to steer clear of phallic foodstuff

THINGS like bananas and cucumbers may “arouse” Muslim women, and “make them think of sex”.

That’s the view of an unnamed Muslim cleric, based in Europe, who is reported here as saying that women should not even get close to foodstuffs such as these.

If women wish to eat these food items, a third party, preferably a male related to them such as their a father or husband, should cut the items into small pieces and serve.

The crazy cleric also added carrots and zucchini to the list of forbidden foods for women.

However, he appears to have left peppers off his list. These can sometimes have a tendency to appear phallic, as the picture below shows.

Hat Tip: Remigius

28 Responses to “Mad Muslim cleric warns women to steer clear of phallic foodstuff”

  1. Buffy says:

    Religious nuts have such a bizarre fixation on sex and genitals.

  2. sailor1031 says:

    Methinks it is his own response to naughty vegetables that bothers him. Obviously we have another closeted cleric……who lifts his luggage I wonder?

  3. remigius says:

    Some of the comments, now over 1000, at the Times of India site are truly amazing. My recent favourite is -

    camel piss drinker (piss-aber, naPakistan)
    1 hr ago (04:18 PM)
    quran says mohamad had sex with goats.and drank camel piss..and had s*x with 9 yr old girls…

    You wouldn’t get that at the Guardian.

  4. Uzza says:

    There was an old sheik so repressed
    that he failed at the marital test
    when his wives saw his cock
    they went into shock
    and decided cucumbers were best.

  5. jay says:

    I have always found that the most rabid censors have the most sexually charged imaginations, probably more so than a rabid pornhound.

    They can see something to be horrified about everywhere. Life must be strange for them.

  6. PaulEd says:

    Excuse me for being off topic here. Stephen Hawking is going to be on Radio4s ‘Today’ program shortly and listeners are invited to send in questions to him. I thought contributors to this site might like to submit a question along the lines of what Prof Hawking thinks to the Beebs insistence that only non-rational people can present the ‘Thought for the Day’ slot.

  7. Don says:

    I’m a little dubious about this. Could be true, but just as likely to be made up.

  8. ZombieHunter says:

    I’ve heard of forbidden fruit but this guy is taking the piss.

  9. Stonyground says:

    Like Don, I am a little suspicious that this might be a spoof. I have seen the story on another blog somewhere and, in the OP and in the comments that followed, there was a cautious scepticism about the story being true. The thing is, when it comes to stories about religious nuts, the true stories are no less ridiculous than the made up ones. It says a lot about such nuts that it is so hard to tell the difference.

    I also agree with jay that those who are so utterly repressed about human sexuality seem to be the ones who are obsessing about it constantly.

  10. Alksandra says:

    One of the bad things of religions it the large quantity of fanatics they produce,
    One of the good things of religions is how funny some of those real or fake guys are.

  11. Thomas54 says:

    Ooh err :/
    Should they also ban wobbly jelly on a plate?
    Children’s parties will never be the same.
    Reminds me of that Fun Song Factory classic: “Mmmm. Jelly and cream.”

  12. 1859 says:

    Now I know why all these ‘long’ vegetables have been so popular since their discovery! All this time I’ve been deluded into thinking they were nutritious food – whereas in fact we’ve all been indulging in wild, sublimated oral sex. Think of the damage we’ve done over the years to childrens’ minds , filling them with this filth! Forcing them to eat up their veggies. Now we all know the truth!….So can someone please take a long, hard (no pun intended!) look at the ‘potato’ – what Bacchanalian secrets lie festering here! A humble spud? No way! It’s a breast! With flowering nipples! And ‘peeling’ them ! Oh my god -if there ever was a sublimated act of forced undressing – dare I say vegetable rape! – this is it!…It’s no good, vegetables are just immoral, and the sooner they are banned the better!

  13. remigius says:

    In my email tip-off to Barry I did question whether this fatwa was kosher. It may not be true but it is certainly believable.

    That’s Islam for ya.

  14. Alan C says:

    That’s Islam for ya.

    No, that’s religion for ya.
    They’re all obsessed with sex and sexuality.

  15. Daz says:

    I’m also guessing it’s not true. Mainly, I must admit, because I’ve had an email of it from my uncle, who regularly sends those endlessly forwarded emails which never turn out to be true. Other delights have been that one of a ‘cruel Muslim’ ‘punishing’ a young by by breaking his arm by having a car drive over it (turned out to be cherry picked pics from a magic-trick, and there’s no indication of the performers’ religion) and the seasonal ‘winterval’ complaints, along with ‘it’s called CHRISTmas!’ messages. I’ve tried sending them back with long refutations, including links to sources etc but he doesn’t seem to notice. Not even when I hit ‘reply to all’ so that all the other recipients get ’em too.

    Ho-hum…

  16. CriticalEyeYayeye says:

    Muslim women, the real Danger here is Handling Muslim Penis….. not objects that may remind you of Muslim penis. It’s those ”dicks” that are keeping you imprisoned. You should refuse to do that, handle penis, too, until the cave-men owners of those ‘dicks’ who rule you, decide to enter the 21st century.

  17. tony e says:

    It’s hard to tell if this story is genuine or not, but in the light of previous ‘cleric’ statements reference driving and homosexuality, and covering the whole face with the burka, is it any less insane?

  18. Charles S says:

    Isn’t “mad muslim cleric” a redundancy?

  19. remigius says:

    Charles S. Think of it more as reinforcement rather than redundancy.

    It’s true that one has to be mad to be a muslim. Barry is merely highlighting the fact that clerics are, like, extra mad, even by muslim standards.

  20. Moneymaker says:

    Walking down the veg aisle in asda will never be the same..

  21. Charles S says:

    I would, myself, place it the other way around, remigius. In that, to be a ‘cleric’, of any faith, is to be mad. ‘Mad Cleric’ is the redundancy, therefore, and ‘muslim’ is a valid modifier, as the means of identifying which particular forth of madness to which the cleric subscribes :)

  22. Broga says:

    Whether this is true or not, the possibility that it might be true tells you all you need to know about religious belief.

  23. Uzza says:

    This probly isn;t true, but then there’s such things like this comment:

    Oh goodness, this triggered a horrible/funny memory for me. I used to go to Bob Jones University. While there, I remember being told by a female authority figure that if we girls were going to eat a banana in the dining common or any area with mixed genders, we had to peel the fruit, put it on a plate, and eat it with a spoon.

    If not, we were of course responsible for the horrible, sexual thoughts of the male students.
    Oh the memories

  24. barriejohn says:

    Uzza: I like the following response to that comment, too.

    Growing up, that’s how I had to eat bananas. So I “wouldn’t cause my brothers to stumble.” And hotdogs. And everything else.
    I NEVER would have thought about bananas and hotdogs that way had there not been that rule in place. I mean, really, what fundy girl who feels guilty about thinking that some boy at church is kind of cute because she equates that with committing adultery, who has never had any sex ed, who doesn’t even know what masturbation means, who forced herself to shut down any sort of sexual and/or romantic feelings, is going to see a banana and think, “oh this is like a penis”?

    What? issues with how I grew up? me? never.

    Anyone who has read “Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit” will perhaps have an inkling of what is going on, but I recognize it all SO well!

  25. Har Davids says:

    With all the weirdness Islam offers the world I wouldn’t be surprised if this fatwa was real. Only last week it was car-driving and the loss of virginity on a grand scale, and promiscuity and homosexuality on the rise.

  26. Brian Jordan says:

    Whatever the Islamic equivalent of Poe’s Law is, this is surely a prime example – whether it’s real or made up is just about indeterminable.

  27. john says:

    If I believed in the cleric’s warning, I’d be filling my office desk with bananas and carrots. What more could a fifty-year-old adolescent want than a load of female colleagues coming into his office and thinking about sex?