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Bits of St John ‘The Wonderworker’ and Mohammed the Paedophile are trundled out to work their magic

Bits of St John ‘The Wonderworker’ and Mohammed the Paedophile are trundled out to work their magic

REMNANTS of St John of Shangai  – also known as St John the Wonderworker – were brought at the weekend to St Nicholas’ Russian Orthodox Church to “edify” worshippers in the wake of a protest staged at the church by gay rights activists.

St John the Wonderworker

St John the Wonderworker

It’s not exactly clear from this report what the church had in mind when they brought some of St John’s remains into the building other than to “edify” the flock, but one can only assume it was to cleanse it of any malign influences left by the The Gays.

For those of you who are remotely interested, St John was born Mikhail Borisovich Maximovitch in 1896 in the Ukraine. He had “great powers of prophecy, clairvoyance and healing” and died in Seattle in 1966.

In 1994 he was “solemnly glorified on the twenty-eighth anniversary of his death. His unembalmed relics now occupy a shrine in the San Francisco’s Holy Virgin Cathedral’s nave, and are apparently only brought out to when infestations of gays occur in and around Russian Orthodox Church property.

And speaking of remnants of dead people, I was intrigued to learn that some hair that once grew on the “prophet” Mohammed have given for a rinse and set in Makhachkala, the capital of the Dagestan republic.

Makhachkala is currently hosting a six-day exhibition of Big Mo’s “relics and belongings”, which is expected to be attract up to two million people in gender segregated groups. Muslim women will be allowed in from today, August 30.

Ahead of the exhibition, Mo’s hair had to be washed from water from the “sacred” Zamzam well in Mecca. Here’s the reason why:

Each of the sacred hairs casts a shadow just if people have touched it or wafted it with incense. In that case it must be washed from bottom to top. If it still casts a shadow after that, it means it hasn’t been dried enough. So the sacred hairs don’t cast any shadows by themselves but only do so because of various substances that stick to them. If they are washed correctly, especially with water from Zamzam, they will cast no shadow.

Thanks for that “edifying” explanation, Sheikh Ahmad Muhammad Al Khazraji.

By the way, Mo does not believe in travelling light. It took three flights from the United Arab Emirates to bring his belongings to Makhachkala.

In July, the “noble hair and beard” of Mo formed part of an Islamic exhibition in New Jersey.

 

Mo's hair in New Jersey

Mo’s hair in New Jersey

According to this report:

It is one of the miracles of Islam that the relics of Holy Prophet have been preserved and exist in the same condition with no decay. These relics are preserved at some places which also include Topaki Palace Museum in Turkey.

Prophet Muhammad during his Hajj pilgrimage had distributed his hair to his companions. The companions kept them sacredly and passed over to next generation. Passing from generations to generations many such hair are available now and kept with high dignity in many parts of the world.

Oh FFS!

21 Responses to “Bits of St John ‘The Wonderworker’ and Mohammed the Paedophile are trundled out to work their magic”

  1. barriejohn says:

    It is one of the miracles of Islam that the relics of Holy Prophet have been preserved and exist in the same condition with no decay.

    Wow! I found the perfectly preserved body of a baby blue tit in our nest box the other day. I have it in our garage now. Miracle City here I come!

  2. barriejohn says:

    “He lived in the other world” – you can say that again, but it sure beats working for a living!

    http://youtu.be/ZOQSZeZ2gl8

  3. Stephen Mynett says:

    Barriejohn, are you sure it is not a Norwergian blue tit and only sleeping.

  4. barriejohn says:

    SM: Believe me, it is an ex-blue tit; it has gone to meet its maker; it has joined the choir invisible!

  5. Daz says:

    So what happens if we place a piece of the one true cross next to Mo’s holy pubic-shavings?

  6. barriejohn says:

    Daz: I like the relics of the saints and I like the bits of Mohammed’s hair as well, but which is better? There’s only one way to find out (as history has shown us)…

  7. Daz says:

    Barriejohn. Surely you don’t mean the Ultimate Test… Ask the barmaid who’s right!?

  8. AgentCormac says:

    There was a similar outbreak of zombie worship earlier this year when the relics of St John Bosco, a 19th-century Italian priest, were put on display in Liverpool. You really do have to wonder what they think they’re doing sending dead people on tour. And why Liverpool? Then again, perhaps there’s an ulterior motive – like the character Hotblack Desiato in Douglas Adams’ Hitchhiker’s novel ‘The Restaurant at the End of the Universe’, who was spending a year dead ‘for tax reasons’.
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-merseyside-20916217

  9. Har Davids says:

    My personal favourite is the foreskin of Jesus himself, considered the relic of all relics, even though it may have been some con-man’s last bit of salami. It’s a bit hard to imagine, though, that centuries after the guy died someone stumbled upon this shrivelled piece of meat and just knew it was the real deal. And people came in droves to see and worship it.

  10. Thoreau says:

    The foreskin industry can be lucrative. Take circumcision – the pay is ok but you get lots of tips.

  11. Barry Duke says:

    “So what happens if we place a piece of the one true cross next to Mo’s holy pubic-shavings?”

    Holy smoke, Daz?

  12. barriejohn says:

    Har Davids: There were up to twenty of them at one time, though all seem to have disappeared now. Someone mentioned it on this site recently. The story I like best is that of some deluded soul who claimed that Jesus had given it to her to wear as a wedding ring to symbolize her marriage to him!

    http://historic-church.livejournal.com/14478.html#/14478.html

  13. ExPatriot says:

    It is hard to believe that a segment of the human race is so stupid or brain dead as to believe in such BS. Mo’s hair maybe but why hold a terrorist/pedophile in such high esteem, as far as the jewish zombie is concerned’ if that is his foreskin I hope it touched the inside of Mary M before the hack job.If he even existed he was just an early version of todays evangelists’ total con artist. Instead of face palm I think I will just retire with another glass of Jack

  14. L.Long says:

    Again the Xtians show their GREAT and EXTENSIVE hypocrisy.
    Their own buyBull tells them to shun magic, kill witches and sorcerers and then they tramp out their ‘magic relics’ to perform magic tricks! When will they start stoning themselves?

  15. barriejohn says:

    L. Long: They are also told not to make “graven images”, and then fill their places of worship with images of their “saints”; but, of course, these are just “aids to their faith”, and they are not worshipping them!

  16. Trevor Blake says:

    Hair in a box: sacred relic. Ancient Moslem tombs or Buddhist statues: idol to be blown up. Did I get it right?

  17. Brian Jordan says:

    Makhachkala is currently hosting a six-day exhibition of Big Mo’s “relics and belongings”, which is expected to be attract up to two million people in gender segregated groups.

    Idolaters! Off with their heads! What’s the use of concreting over Mecca and Medina when this sort of thing goes on?

  18. AgentCormac says:

    Now, instead of a few shrivelled bits of deceased religiots, doesn’t this look like something much more interesting to go and see? Think I might be saving up to go to this next year!
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2406228/Burning-Man-Nevadas-experiment-desert-popular-Nearly-70-000-gather-weekend-debauchery.html

  19. Callisto says:

    I think everyone’s forgotten that Jesus’ foreskin would have been taken from him when he was a baby, right? a few weeks old. This foreskin relic should be tiny, a shrivelled up pea, unless of course the Baby Jesus had a huge wang…

  20. Matt+Westwood says:

    @Callisto: “OMJ, Joseph, look at the *size* of the thing! We’re going to need the scythe of Death himself to circumcise the lad! Now *not a word* about this to the gospel-writers or we’ll never live it down! Where are the swaddling-cloths already?”

    Thoreau: Thx for the foreskin joke, one of my favourites. I’ve never been able to tell it without laughing.

  21. 1859 says:

    I want some of those Zamzam waters. I mean, just imagine, no dirty shadow anymore. And don’t you know? Jesus never had a foreskin because he never had a John Thomas – Jesus was female – and gorgeous too!