God’s biography

God’s biography

God has been so damned preoccupied keeping the universe ticking over that he never found the time to pen his biography. Barbara Smoker kindly decided to do the job for him, and this is her submission to the The Universal Dictionary of Biography.

Age: Eternal.

Full Name: God. This generic personal name signifies that God is the One True God – though some devotees obfuscate “One” as Three-in-One. Paradoxically, he (an honorary male) is a self-confessed “jealous god”. Nevertheless, for the sake of company, and to boost his self-esteem, he created a host of lesser spirits, programmed to form a celestial choir and sing his praises in perpetuity.

However, for divertisement and sheer devilment, he allowed one of them to rebel against him and become the Prince of Darkness.

Even so, eternity hung heavily on God till he thought up the beguiling pursuit of physics, thereupon inaugurating the “laws of nature” together with space, time, and matter. A big bang, and the first wave/particle became an expanding universe.

On one small planet of a nondescript sun in an inconspicuous galaxy, he conjured up creatures with evolving consciousness, to a level where they can amuse him with speculations as to his existence and attributes.

Progeny: One putative son (illegitimate; executed at 33).

Publications: Many – but largely discrepant, and all ghosted.

Aka: The Word, Brahma, Zeus, Jupiter, Jove, Yahweh, Jehovah, Jah, Lord of Hosts, Allah, Rock of Ages.

Recreation: Devising local disasters (known as “acts of God”) – thus testing the tenacity of belief in his benevolence, in spite of the overwhelming evidence against it.

Residence: Everywhere.

• This item was first published in the May, 2008, edition of the Freethinker.

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