Hogwash: housewife rewrites Harry Potter
Atheists are mean, dumb and dour in Grace Ann’s Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles.
Grace Ann, a “proud housewife” and mother recently encountered a problem.
My little ones have been asking to read the Harry Potter books; and of course I’m happy for them to be reading; but I don’t want them turning into witches! So I thought….. why not make some slight changes so these books are family friendly? And then I thought, why not share this with all the other mommies who are facing the same problem? So-Ta da! Here it is! I am SO excited to share this with all of you! So, without further ado …
What follows is the tale of a credulous young Harry Potter who unhappily lives with a dominant aunt Petunia – “a career woman” who has her husband baking in the kitchen when she should be doing things with the brownie batter.
A wandering evangelist – Hagrid – dressed like a redneck comes to the door. He is:
A huge, muscular man with a big, manly beard; and he was dressed in a plaid, red shirt, blue jeans, and sturdy, leather boots. His chest was covered in a thick, unruly carpet of coarse, brown hair.
Oooh, be still my beating heart!
Hagrid then “changes everything” by first making Petunia look an imbecile by challenging her “religion” of evolution which she can’t prove, then:
On learning that Hagrid is a Christian, Harry asks what that is.
‘Christians are people who want to be good,’ Hagrid explained wisely; and crouched down so he was on eye level with Harry. ‘We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?’
Harry shook his head; and his big eyes were wide and curious.
‘Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God.’
Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry’s young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, “Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays.
Hagrid then asks Potter of he wants to be saved.
‘I do, I do!’ Harry squealed, jumping up and down.
‘Then pray the sinner’s prayer!’
Aunt Petunia tried to stop him; but she was powerless against Harry’s pure, innocent, holy energy. Soon, Harry had said the prayer. Hagrid beamed happily.
You’re a Christian now, Harry!’ Hagrid cried proudly.
Harry smiled but then interrogated, ‘But how do I be a Christian? I don’t know how!
Hagrid grinned widely. ‘There is only one place to learn that – Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!
There are five more chapters, but I honestly just couldn’t be asked.
By the way, Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe, pictured above, is an atheist … and then some. According to this report, Radcliffe said in an Esquire interview:
[I’m] a militant atheist when religion starts impacting on legislation.
This comment coupled with “the general paganism of his films” has made him an enemy of the American far right. So, perhaps in efforts to add more flames to the fire, Radcliffe also declared that it was “awesome” how people sometimes assume he is gay.
I grew up around gay people my entire life, basically, that’s possibly why I’m quite camp, and some people think I’m gay when I meet them, which I think is awesome. It’s always good to keep them guessing.