Hogwash: housewife rewrites Harry Potter

Hogwash: housewife rewrites Harry Potter

Atheists are mean, dumb and dour in Grace Ann’s Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles.

Grace Ann, a “proud housewife” and mother recently encountered a problem.

My little ones have been asking to read the Harry Potter books; and of course I’m happy for them to be reading; but I don’t want them turning into witches! So I thought….. why not make some slight changes so these books are family friendly? And then I thought, why not share this with all the other mommies who are facing the same problem? So-Ta da! Here it is! I am SO excited to share this with all of you! So, without further ado …

What follows is the tale of a credulous young Harry Potter who unhappily lives with a dominant aunt Petunia – “a career woman” who has her husband baking in the kitchen when she should be doing things with the brownie batter.

A wandering evangelist  – Hagrid – dressed like a redneck comes to the door. He is:

A huge, muscular man with a big, manly beard; and he was dressed in a plaid, red shirt, blue jeans, and sturdy, leather boots. His chest was covered in a thick, unruly carpet of coarse, brown hair.

Oooh, be still my beating heart!

Hagrid  then “changes everything” by first making Petunia look an imbecile by challenging her “religion” of evolution which she can’t prove, then:

On learning that Hagrid is a Christian, Harry asks what that is.

‘Christians are people who want to be good,’ Hagrid explained wisely; and crouched down so he was on eye level with Harry. ‘We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?’

Harry shook his head; and his big eyes were wide and curious.

‘Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God.’

Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry’s young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, “Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays.

Hagrid then asks Potter of he wants to be saved.

‘I do, I do!’ Harry squealed, jumping up and down.

‘Then pray the sinner’s prayer!’

Aunt Petunia tried to stop him; but she was powerless against Harry’s pure, innocent, holy energy. Soon, Harry had said the prayer. Hagrid beamed happily.

You’re a Christian now, Harry!’ Hagrid cried proudly.

Harry smiled but then interrogated, ‘But how do I be a Christian? I don’t know how!

Hagrid grinned widely. ‘There is only one place to learn that – Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!

There are five more chapters, but I honestly just couldn’t be asked.

By the way, Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe, pictured above,  is an atheist … and then some. According to this report, Radcliffe said in an Esquire interview:

[I’m] a militant atheist when religion starts impacting on legislation.

This comment coupled with “the general paganism of his films”  has made him an enemy of the American far right. So, perhaps in efforts to add more flames to the fire, Radcliffe also declared that it was “awesome” how people sometimes assume he is gay.

I grew up around gay people my entire life, basically, that’s possibly why I’m quite camp, and some people think I’m gay when I meet them, which I think is awesome. It’s always good to keep them guessing.

20 responses to “Hogwash: housewife rewrites Harry Potter”

  1. Andrea says:

    Is it wrong to kind of want to read the rest of it? Sounds like fun. It’ll be even better when Rowling sues!

  2. Broga says:

    This is so sickly, so glutinous and written with such smug satisfaction about her own virtue. No arguments, evidence, facts advanced, of course.

  3. Saladin says:

    Folks… this was not written by a “Christian Mom.” It’s a parody of Christianity. It’s quite funny, but it is a condemnation of zealotry rather than Potteresque witchcraft. Getting angry at the imaginary Christian author is a waste of time. Enjoy it and laugh.

  4. L.Long says:

    She decries one form of harmless fiction and replaces it with another nastier fiction. She can’t even be original, some talent.

  5. Robster says:

    Oh hang on, every time a couple of schwarmy mormons or a couple of unconvincing JW’s show up at the front door at increasingly inconvenient times, I always argue, when they suggest their bible thingy is “the truth” or “the word of god/jesus/mo/al/mary et al” that “the Harry Potter books say Harry’s true too” so it must be, as per the bible thingy. Now I’m to be denied that? Sad really.

  6. Trevor Blake says:

    Religion always parasitically attaches itself to secular success. When it chokes out the source it claims to be the source, and what it cannot choke out it smothers.

  7. 1859 says:

    Let this poor woman be! She’s doing us all a favour (only she’s probably too dim-witted to see it!). Her xtian kids will read her dumbed-down version, throw up, and demand to read the original – it can only whet the minds of curious young folk -STUPIDUM CURIOSO !!!!

  8. Newspaniard says:

    Come on, you guys, are you saying Harry Potter is NOT true? You’ll be saying that there is no Flying Spaghetti Monster (Pasta be with him) next and have your bolognaise license revoked. That will teach you!

  9. Broga says:

    “Proud mum” and “little ones”. The words give the clue to what is coming: a feast of yuk.

  10. Steven says:

    I ploughed on with it and the more I read, the more I began to think it was a spoof:

    “What about Mary?” Ronald posited angrily around a mouthful of oatmeal. “You have to at least worship to her!”
    “You mean the mommy of Our Lord?” Harry demanded in scandal; and he chewed his bacon. “I don’t worship her?”

    But then, when I first saw Comfort and Cameron doing the banana video, I was convinced that was a pitch-perfect parody of Evangelical stupidity. Since they don’t do irony, satire of cosy-minded, goodthinkful Born Agains is hard to distinguish from the real thing.

  11. AgentCormac says:

    Let’s hope JKR stays true to form and does what she does best in situations where others try to profit from her work – sue.

  12. Pavel says:

    Alas! How maddening must be for this unfortunate woman every spark of freedom in the minds of her little ones. She did not hesitate to write such of clumsy parody and pour it into heads of her poor children. Again we can see a good reason why every normally, freely thinking person should be involved in treatment of madness of human world.

  13. Rob Andrews says:

    Prpaganda;censorship; secrecy;spying. Once again religion is using the tools of communication to manage the information that is or is not going out. In this case they are trying to redact the book so it doesn’t conflict with her view of what is right.

    Since religion can’t stand up to good tool of communication such as education and debate, they must use the devices above to manage the message. This is what happened to Gallileo: “they couldn’t prove him wrong so the had to shut him up”– (Neil de grasse Tyson, Cosmos- a space time oddessy).

    Yet Xtians are always claiming their ‘faith is strong’. But not good enough to stand up to critical debate.

    “I know your religion isn’t true, the same way you know other people’s isn’t true”. Mark Twain. and xtians have no responce when i say that to them.

  14. Matt Westwood says:

    Oh dear, Harry’s eating bacon. She’s instantly lost two entire religionsful of readers there …

    And it appears he talks with his mouth full. Now she’s lost an entire class of British society.

  15. John C says:

    Saw this the other day (reddit), the overall concensus was that it had to be a joke, someone trolling,however, knowing the stupid lengths some christians will go to, im not sure.

  16. A Confused Atheist says:

    Not a big fan of Harry Potter here, but this adaptation (and a possible violation of copyright) does sound very interesting. I do hope to find the story one day to read.

  17. Steven says:

    I’m now convinced that this is indeed a piss-take.

  18. barriejohn says:

    I have to say that “Grace Ann” does seem like another Betty Bowers type, but evangelicals do have extreme views on “witchcraft”(and homersexerality, to boot):

    The Harry Potter series dishonors God, eliminates the sinfulness of sin, glamorizes sorcery, and the spirit surrounding the series is evil, sinister and anti-Christian. Ephesians 5:11 commands all believers to REFUTE (Greek, elencho, i.e., “to expose”) all WORKS OF DARKNESS. Harry Potter is of the Devil, a work of darkness, as is J.K. Rowling. Shame on today’s backslidden and immature Christian believers who see no harm with Harry Potter. There is woeful harm!!! Rowling’s money cannot keep her out of the flames of Hell.

    Miss Rowling’s works of darkness portray wizardry and witchcraft in a positive way to children; thus, removing the sinfulness of such practices. And now children are being led to believe that it’s ok for the Headmaster (or principle) of any school to be a Sodomite. Homosexuals were referred to as “Sodomites” in the Old Testament, named after the vile city of Sodom (which was mild compared to Sin City, Las Vegas today).

    Any professed “Christian” who would still defend and support the Harry Potter series, in view of the fact that J.K. Rowling has now openly promoted homosexuality through her work, needs to seriously get right with God.

    They really don’t like the books, do they?

  19. barriejohn says:

    Also being discussed by our good Christian friends over at the Landover Baptist site:

    (That one definitely IS a spoof, before the feathers fly!)

  20. barriejohn says:

    Would a genuine Christian really write THIS sort of thing – and for children as well?

    Hagrid beamed widely. He had been praying so hard to save a soul today; and he was so happy to have saved the soul of such a sweet, earnest little one. The poor boy, being raised by two parents who were not Christian; and who both went to work and left him with a babysitter all day long. It was a good thing Hagrid had got here in time. Five years down the road, Harry might have been a fornicating, drug-addicted Evolutionist!

    Looks very much like a parody to me!