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Missionary position or hell, warns pastor

Missionary position or hell, warns pastor

Olugbenga Oladejo, a UK-based pastor, has released two videos warning married couples that they face hell if they deviate in any way from the ‘missionary position’ during sexual activity.

In one, Oladejo of the Complete in Christ Church in Peterborough tells of  a “vision” he saw of the torments of hell, which people suffered because their sexual behaviour. Oladejo refers throughout to the “matrimonial bed” and makes it clear that he is talking about what married people may and may not do.

He says that the only permissible sexual position is the missionary position:

Missionaries of old who taught their converts about true holiness would teach them that in the marriage bed, face to face with the husband on top is the only position that God has sanctioned. That is a landmarker or boundary stone that was laid by people before this evil generation was born that you and I who live today are a part of … We have moved that stone, so we could try new things to fulfill our lusts.

cowgirl

Oladejo has particularly harsh words for women who insist on “knowing” their husbands by being on top. The “Cowgirl” or “rocking horse” position is a surefire ticket to hell, he says in the video below:

Couples who engage in other sexual acts including oral sex, masturbation and acts of bondage, as well as other sexual positions, “are not going to make it to heaven”, he says.

The Complete in Christ Church takes a strong line against “worldiness” in dress and appearance. Women are not to wear trousers or jewellery, and its website says that:

All forms of hair styles that glorify the world or draw attention of others to a female or male sexual parts are evil and wicked before the Lord.

Hat tip: BarrieJohn

30 responses to “Missionary position or hell, warns pastor”

  1. Stuart H. says:

    Silly sod just ate too much cheese before bedtime, if you ask me.

  2. Daz says:

    When asked, a randomly chosen missionary said, ’54° north, 2° west, currently.’

  3. Broga says:

    Are these the same missionaries who spread VD and wrecked native cultures?

  4. barriejohn says:

    Another religiot obsessed with sex; and where is his chapter and verse for all this nonsense? His church was “founded by our Lord Jesus Christ”, no less – no hint of pretentiousness there then. The Brethren were also big on “abstaining from worldliness” – a bit of a catch-all which means never stop looking over your shoulder for fear of being seen to be enjoying yourself!

    http://completeinchristchurch.org/CICC/About.aspx

  5. barriejohn says:

    He has a VERY vivid imagination:

    http://completeinchristchurch.org/CICC/Hell.aspx

  6. John C says:

    Laying odds of 3 to 1 his wife has an affair because he is boring in bed.

  7. gedediah says:

    What a coward this guy is. Anyone can see his god is arbitrarily evil. If I thought it was real I’d have to try to fight it and I’d encourage others to do the same.

    He’s a chicken shit collaborator.

  8. CharlyO says:

    It is a very strange God that ‘those people’ worship.
    I suppose that god is up tight about a few other things as well.

  9. Vanity Unfair says:

    Daz:
    54N 2W
    Just north of Embsay, in the Yorkshire Dales: it’s a lovely bit of country but somewhat cool and a distinct lack of potential converts at this time of year. It’s about 2.5 miles from the Elm Tree Inn if your missionary doesn’t mind a bit of cross-country walking. If he does, he’s stuck.

  10. Alan says:

    He seems to have a wide knowledge of sexual variations/activities for someone advocating one position. Protesting too much?

  11. AgentCormac says:

    Religion is such a miserable, wretched bore. No imagination, no creativity, no enjoyment or happiness – just an endless list of bloody rules intended to grind every last shred of pleasure out of life. And all promoted by joyless arseholes like Oladejo who get a rush out of thinking they are somehow important or they can somehow impact on the lives of others. What tedious little people they are, and what a constant source of banality their beliefs truly are.

  12. Rob Andrews says:

    There’s no ‘chapter and verse’ for this. He had “a vision from heaven”. It’s about the pastore maintaining a control over his’sheep’–aptly termed, As men are to maintain control of their wives.

    This helps to explain the dogmatic schnooks
    Who believe everthing regurgitated from books
    These brain dead monkeys
    Willingly become sumissive flunkies
    Of passonate manipulative crooks
    http://www.jesusandmo.net

  13. Angela_K says:

    I seem to remember reading that the ancient way of doing sex was with the woman bent forward away from the man in the same manner as quadrupeds and other Primates copulate. The “missionary position” is believed to be so called due to the missionary christians who insisted the man should be in control and on top ensuring women had little or no pleasure from sex and because other positions were similar to those used by other animals.

  14. Carlynot says:

    The missionary position is great!
    But then so are all the other positions.
    I had a dream that the all mighty said to me, not only use all the known positions but invent some new ones as well.

  15. Cali Ron says:

    Visited the church web site and judging from his obsession with sex and hell he’s a frustrated, want-a-be SM practitioner (don’t, stop, don’t stop). I guess it isn’t good enough that he has a shitty sex life-he wants his congregation to have a shitty one, too. This made me start thinking about sex in heaven and hell. If what he said was true then the folks in hell must be having one big, hot orgy of sexual fun while in heaven they can only dream of sexual freedom. Catholics (not sure about CE, anyone?) only believe in sex for procreation, so can you procreate in heaven with heavenly bodies and no flesh? If not, then absolutely no sex, poor sods. Heaven isn’t real, but my imaginary version would be a lot more fun than the christian one.

  16. Trevor Blake says:

    1 Corinthians 6:12 – “All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.”

  17. Broga says:

    @Cali Ron: “Catholics (not sure about CE, anyone?) only believe in sex for procreation, so can you procreate in heaven with heavenly bodies and no flesh? ”

    Interesting issue you raise. If RCs can only shag with a view to procreation do they have to be celibate in heaven? And how will they feel with Muslims in Paradise fixed up with 73 sexy virgins whom barriejohn advises continually renew their virginity?

    Can’t we have some clarity on this from the Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury?

  18. […] up or baking; Like hoovering the floor, A necessary chore. Don't try to make it merry, Just keep it missionary! […]

  19. […] up or baking; Like hoovering the floor, A necessary chore. Don't try to make it merry, Just keep it missionary! […]

  20. L.Long says:

    Missionary position or HELL!!!
    Great! any ladies out there want to help me get to Hell????

  21. Caute says:

    My advice to this creep is…………….GO FUCK YOURSELF

  22. tonye says:

    Mrs Tonye often has me on my knees begging for sex, is this why its called the missionary position?

  23. gegsieline says:

    Why are religious fanatics so obsessed with sex? Any ideas? Any logical explanation.? Maybe their latent perverts.

  24. barriejohn says:

    I think I know why Christians seem so obsessed with sex, and I’m not being funny. It’s because of the Pauline teachings of the New Testament in which “the flesh” is in opposition to “the spirit” (earth v heaven; good v evil; dark v light; life v death, and so on). This idea didn’t come from the Jewish faith, nor from his own noddle, but from other Eastern philosophies popular at the time. Of course, it’s perfectly possible to con yourself that you are a “spiritual” being until the time comes for bodily functions – without which life is impossible – and the desire to procreate is very strong indeed (naturally). Therefore, these “primitive urges” have to be strictly controlled so that the “spiritual” side of the person can thrive and enjoy “communion with God”. If one is enjoying “worldly pleasures” then one cannot be enjoying “spiritual things” as well. It’s a daft idea, but puritanical Christians keep banging on about it, if you’ll forgive the phrase!

    This is Pope John Paul’s take on the subject:

    https://www.ewtn.com/library/PAPALDOC/JP2TB51.HTM

  25. Daz says:

    barriejohn

    puritanical Christians keep banging on about it, if you’ll forgive the phrase!

    You could say they’re somewhat dogged about it.

  26. Cali Ron says:

    @Broga: Checked out the link and really enjoyed Daz’s bit of poetry. I love a good rhyme, both the bold and the sublime.

    @Caute: God only allows him to fuck himself if he does it in the missionary position, which is a bit of a conundrum since he’d be alone.

    And for god’s sake, no, fuck god, for your own sake why would you accept advise about sex from someone who supposedly has never done it and isn’t allowed to himself.

  27. JohnMWhite says:

    @Gedediah – well said. Why would we ever listen to this thug who threatens us in the name of his vicious and cruel master? Even if it were true, his god is such an evil and wicked monster that any of his agents are enemies of humanity.

  28. Daz says:

    @JMW

    I completely agree. If this god is so petty that it would punish us for doing things which cause no harm, but merely run counter to its own tastes, then I have no idea why it should be worshipped or lauded as loving and merciful.

    @Cali Ron

    Thanks for the compliment!

    That wasn’t Broga’s link to my blog though. It’s an automated ‘pingback’ system, which adds links to web-pages which link to this one.

  29. Marky Mark says:

    Guess I’m going to hell…that’s ok, apparently all the fun people are there.

  30. Har Davids says:

    You’re right, Marky Mark, one good reason to go to Hell, is all those sanctimonious relidiots Hell-bent (pun!) on going to Heaven. Spending all of Eternity with the likes of them, that would be Hell indeed.