Archive

Taking a rain check on Jesus

Taking a rain check on Jesus

Inspired by the online ravings of Kent evangelist, Bob Hutton, Barry Duke used a lazy Sunday afternoon to pen this piece, which first appeared on the Freethinker website on October 14, 2012.

(Warning: has adult gay content!)

 

“GOOD afternoon sir, nice weather for this time of the year”, says the squinty-eyed old geezer clutching a Bible, and wearing a ‘Jesus Saves’ hat and shoes that look like Cornish pasties.

“Sure is,” I reply guardedly, “is there anything I can help you with?”

He forces a smile, and introduces himself as Bob Hutton, a baptist from Kent. “Well, there’s something I may be able help you with. But first, may I ask whether you have embraced Jesus, and taken him into your heart?”

My eyes narrow. “Well, as a matter of fact yes.  But, as there have been several, which one precisely are you alluding to?”

Hutton looks confused.

I explain: “Whom you call Jesus, we who live in Spain pronounce “Haysoos”. Spelled the same way but with an accent on the ‘u’ – Jesús – a very common name among Hispanics.”

I add: “I have known several handsome Latino devils called Jesús – one of whom  I most certainly took into my heart. My bed too, as it happens.

“He had abs you could grate Manchego cheese on, great pecs and nipples as big and hard as hockey pucks. Shame it was just a holiday romance, but fantastic while it lasted.”

Panic flares in his eyes. “No, no! I’m speaking about the One True Jesus … Jesus Christ, the Son of God who died for our sins. He loves you, you know.”

“My apologies,” I reply, “you’ve lost me. I’m pretty much up on celebrities and pop culture, and stuff like that, but your friend rings no bells. So sorry to hear he’s dead. Was he on the tellie … Big Brother …  Strictly Come DancingDancing on Ice … Hell’s Kitchen or something like that?”

“No,” he replies. “And he’s not dead. Jesus is very much alive, but not presently in this world. He’ll be back soon, though, to gather unto him the Saved and guarantee them a place in Heaven.”

“And he died and un-died when?“

“He perished around 2,000 years ago at a place called Calvary. He was raised from the dead three days later and has been with his Father in Heaven ever since.”

“Pardon? Now you’re really confusing me.  Can we go over this again? A man dies 2,000 years ago and you stand here telling me that, although he now lives somewhere on a non-earthly plane, ‘Heaven’ – which shows up through no telescopes or on any charts ­– and has never met me, he actually loves me?”

“Yes”.

“Umm … well, before I agree to meet him can I ask a few more questions about this dead-but-alive Jesus geezer you’re trying to hook me up with?”

“Sure,” he says, smiling a little nervously.

“You say he died in Calvary. That’s Middle Eastern territory, on the outskirts of Jerusalem.  How old was he, and how did he snuff it?”

“Well, he was 33, and he died after being nailed to a wooden cross”.

“Ouch, heavy stuff!” I exclaim. “What the hell did he do to deserve that?”

“He was accused by his fellow Jews of blasphemy. They were annoyed over his claim to be the Son of God, so the Romans killed him.”

“Bummer,” I reply, “clearly a nutter. I knew someone who claimed he was the love child of Mother Teresa and ‘Baby Doc’ Duvalier, but he wasn’t executed for that. They did put him on some pretty strong medication, though.

“Anyway, be that as it may, I need to know a bit more about your Jesus before I agree to a date. What does he look like?”

Before Hutton can reply, I explain my taste in men. “I tend to like slim, willowy smooth-skinned types, full-lipped and with blue eyes. But if, as you say, your Jesus was from the Middle East, he’s hardly likely to look like a young Brad Pitt. Oh, and if, as you say, he was Jewish, he would have been circumcised – and probably quite hairy. Not my type at all.”

“Well”, says Hutton, “he’s definitely portrayed as blond and blue-eyed … oh, and very handsome.”

“Ah, yes. I know all about ‘portrayals’. My experience, using Gaydar and Grindr, is that a lot of guys, in the flesh, look nothing like the pictures they put on their profiles.

“I really don’t want to wind up spending an evening in the company of a gorilla with a damaged dick and an aggravated God complex. Been there, done that, and I have no desire for a re-match.”

Clearly quite agitated now, Hutton squeaks: “I’m not here to talk about Jesus’ looks. Nor his penis. I’m here to tell you that unless you devote your life and soul to Him, you face eternal damnation.”

My magnanimity evaporates. “That,” I declare, “sounds ominously like a threat, and I really don’t appreciate being threatened. If your Jesus really wants to bestow his love on me, then let him approach me in person, and not rely on some grubby third party to pimp for him.”

At that point I become aware of a gorgeous young hunk leaning nonchalantly against a nearby tree, looking over at us with some amusement. He winks at me in a rather lascivious manner.

“Tell you what,” I say to Hutton, “I’m gonna take a rain check on Jesus. I think I’ve just found a far more attractive alternative. And he’s clearly not a zombie.”

16 responses to “Taking a rain check on Jesus”

  1. remigius says:

    Mmm. It’s been a while since I’ve been called a gorgeous young hunk 😉

  2. Matt Westwood says:

    Beautiful. My faith in humanity 100% restored.

    Incidentally, has anyone noticed how much Jesus looks like John-Boy Walton’s dad would look like if he’s gone a few weeks without a shave?

    Oh yeah, and recent research reveals that it’s more than likely Jesus was a hunchback or otherwise short and physically challenged. This geezer Zacchaeus had to climb a tree to peer over the crowds to get a look at him.

  3. tony e says:

    Barry,

    Time to go on a short holiday, ‘cos when he reads this I think he will come looking for you.

    He will be positively apoplectic.

  4. DCBrighton says:

    Love it.. “I’m not here to talk about Jesus’ looks. Nor his penis.”

    Incidentally, is the photo actually Hutton, or a random Google nutjob?

  5. Barry Duke says:

    Alas DCBrighton, there are NO photos ANYWHERE of Bob Hutton. Hilariously, he even joined FACEBOOK … without a face pic!

    I’ve even offered a reward to anyone who can supply me with a Hutton shot, but no avail.

    I snapped the miserable old git used in the piece when he turned out to protest the reading of James Kirkup’s “blasphemous” Jesus poem in London some years back.

  6. DCBrighton says:

    I did it Barry, a picture of Bob Hutton: Snapped this on a recent visit to Broadstairs.

    Hutton

    Erm… something about a reward?

  7. […] Taking a rain check on Jesus […]

  8. Robster says:

    The mormons have lovely pics of their errr…prophet…looking like a gorgeous male model, seems the christian deluded have the same problem. The difference is, the mormons’ smith fellow (clever name) was at least probably a bit sort of european looking. The new improved saviour on a stick image is more accurate, he was (allegedly) a middle eastern jew. Blue eyes and blonde hair are quite rare in that community. Wishful thinking perhaps. Can’t be good if your messiah is an ugly brute.

  9. Matt Westwood says:

    @Robster: Give him credit: if there was such a guy (maybe there were plenty of them) he would have had to have some sort of personal charisma to be able to entice a band of people to follow him trudging round the land for years. So he probably wasn’t hideously pluggy.

  10. Barry Duke says:

    Nice pic DCBrighton, but alas the reward remains unclaimed. Hob Button is in his 50s or 60s, so keep trying …

    BTW Tony E, you were right about him being apoplectic. This is a message he sent me via Facebook:

    Hey Barry

    I found the articles you have written since Oct 9th and notice the one you wrote attacking me.

    The reason you wrote that article is because, deep down, you know the Bible is true and you know that you will give an account to God for the filthy lifestyle you are leading.

    You MUST repent of your sins and abominations and you MUST accept Jesus as your personal Saviour or face Hellfire when you die.

    I replied:

    HA-HA, you walked right into my trap – again! I just knew that if I put a “gay content” warning on my piece, you’d immediately dive into it, you sad old closet queen!

  11. CS says:

    I think this is the greatest thing I’ve ever read.

  12. Expatriot says:

    One of the best I have read in long time, Keep it up

  13. Absolutely hilarious! Great story Barry.

  14. Richard says:

    You’re founder Mr GW Cooke was clearly a deeply troubled soul.
    Troubled by great injustices and evils agianst him during childhood by a corrupt Catholic,church who spends billions protecting the Paedophile Priests who commit such atrocites.

    However, sad this is. You are perpetuating this hatred against all Christians. Those who run the homeless shelters, the soup kitchens the drug rehab clinics etc. quite near your listed headquaters actually. You attack innocent people like the couple who where handing out tracts in Singapore, using words loke fundamentist, and extremeist. Evoking images of the extremists and fundamentalists of other religions who blow themselves up to bring if you don’t believe there message. This is grossly misrepresentative, irresponsible and downright disningenuous.

    The internet always brings out the worst and the best in people. It affords them carte blanche, to hide cowardly behind a keyboard, with their ‘perceived’Annonymity. Proppagating gross slanderings,& cheap jokes at easy targets such as evangelicals. This is always the way of the bully. He picks on the easy targets, deriding and mocking in order to make himself feel worthy/important. It becmes like a drug, as he unawares serves his master the Father of lies.

    As a conservative evangelical looking into your website, I have rarely encountered such hatred, such libelous and spitefuul accusations. What kind of dark heart can say things like this, what kind of person sits behind that keyboard spreading such incitement to religious hatred, such vileness.

    The recipient of the Baptist evangelical’s message may not have got their ‘date’ appointment with their the jesus his corrupt heart desired, but make no mistake he, and you have a date (an appointment) with the Jesus who will soon return to judge the world.

    For it is appointed once for man to die and after this the judgement.

    When your blasphemy’s are laid bare before a Holy God on that day, in the presence of all his angels, and you are judged by him. I gurantee that you will not be so arrogant, so obnoxious, and all the cheap, sad thrills you get from tarnishing good conservative evangelical Christians, -who I can testify for; that they would feed you, if you were hungry, help cloth you if you were naked, visit you in prison or hospital if you needed- will haunt you for eternity long, in the lake of fire this Jesus said you belong.

  15. Barry Duke says:

    “As a conservative evangelical looking into your website …”

    You could not have looked too deep, Richard. Had you done so you would have seen that we were founded by G W Foote, not G W Cooke. As for the rest of your message, a one word answer” “bullshit!”

  16. CoastalMaineBird says:

    the Jesus who will soon return to judge the world.

    This has been said for 2000 years.
    Let’s all hope the idea is gone before the next 2000.