Be merry, god damn it!
Well Baby Jesus’s Pretend Birthday is over for another year, so now that everyone is busy scrubbing gravy stains off the ceiling and wrapping up the leftover spam and chestnut pie for the week’s lunches, let’s refresh ourselves with dispatches from the War on Christmas.
Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of it. It’s headline news over here. Apparently the deadly Marxo-Muslim Secular FBI-Park Ranger Alliance has conspired to remove the words “merry” and “Christmas” from the English language, so that anguished Christians and pagans alike will no longer be able to exchange joyous Noel greetings while selecting their favorite shotgun for little Timmy’s Christmas stocking.
It’s been frightening to see the Alliance mowing down all opposition, with no one to stop them but Rupert Murdoch’s Fox News and our brave and dedicated president Donald “Bone-spurs” Trump. In October at an event puckishly titled the “Values Voters Summit” he assured us he was winning the war.
His oration reached a peak when he addressed the challenges he said plague America’s Christian conservatives, who made up the majority of Friday’s audience.
“We don’t worship government, we worship God,” Trump said, to loud cheers. “Our founders invoked our creator four times in the Declaration of Independence. And how times have changed. But you know what? Now they’re changing back again.”
He said that conservative Christian America would enjoy a renaissance with him in the White House.
“We are stopping all our attacks on Judeo-Christian values,” Trump said. “We don’t use the word Christmas because it’s not politically correct. You’ll go to department stores and they say ‘Happy New Year’ instead.
Under his presidency, Trump promised, “we’re saying Merry Christmas again! Our values will endure. Our nation will thrive. Our citizens will flourish, and our freedom will triumph.”
On December 24 he tweeted his triumph of the will.
People are proud to be saying Merry Christmas again. I am proud to have led the charge against the assault of our cherished and beautiful phrase. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
Meanwhile the Washington Post – official outlet of the Marxo-Muslim Secular FBI-Park Ranger Alliance – took a deep dive back into the past to see how Trump’s battle to protect Christmas started.
In the 1980s, his political rise still decades away, Trump bought an old apartment building across the street from Central Park in New York that he hoped to tear down and rebuild as a high-rent tower.
When the longtime residents wouldn’t move out voluntarily, the New York Times wrote, Trump hired a management company that essentially ran the building into the ground.
And while Trump threatened to house homeless people in the building, the management company used creative tactics that included covering windows in tin and forbidding Christmas decorations in the lobby.
Wait wait wait, what? Forbidding Christmas decorations in the lobby? As part of a campaign to drive tenants out of a building that he wanted to knock down? That doesn’t sound very Christmassy, or Santa Claus-like, or minimally decent. More Scrooge than Bob Cratchit, I’d call it.
It was probably the least of residents’ concerns, but Trump allowed no Christmas tree in 1981, the Times wrote, nor in the next year.
Well … I’m sure he didn’t stop them saying “Merry Christmas” though, at least not inside their own apartments.
At any rate he’s on side now, and has been as far back as 2015 … when he decided to run for president.
Shortly after announcing his candidacy for president in 2015, Trump went to the Values Voter Summit, hoisted a Bible and said: “I believe in God. I believe in the Bible. I’m Christian. I love people.”
As The Washington Post wrote at the time, he had had some trouble convincing conservative Christian voters of this. So he elaborated in his speech:
“I love Christmas,” he said. “You go to stores now, and it doesn’t say Christmas. It says ‘Happy holidays.’ All over! I say, where’s Christmas? I tell my wife, ‘Don’t go to those stores.’ I want to see Christmas! Other people can have their holidays, but Christmas is Christmas. I want to see ‘Merry Christmas.’ Remember the expression ‘Merry Christmas’? You don’t see it. You’re going to see it if I’m elected.”
And he was elected and we are seeing it! Along with a lot of other things, like lies and calling people names and more lies, but by god at least we get to see the swindling shit ranting at us about Mewwy Kwismass. It’s touching as hell, let me tell you.